The other night, I did something that I hated, and that I rarely ever do; I yelled at Lyla. Sure, she was having her hundredth "3-year-old moment" of the day, and my patience was on E, but what I really hated was how out of control I felt, when normally I am much more capable of keeping my cool.
It was late, already after her bedtime. Eric and I just put Hannah down and were getting the materials together for a special night-time-craft to do with Lyla. It involved the insides of a glow stick, which can be toxic, and Lyla was frustrated that she could not participate in this part of the craft. And she melted, with ear curdling screams. After a particularly rough day with several of these "moments", I had had enough. I got face to face with my toddler, and told her to knock it off. Not only was she frustrated, but so was I, because all I wanted to do was something special with her after a long day. The fear on her face pierced my heart - she's not used to me raising my voice in such a harsh, firm way. More waterworks came from this.
It's not so much that I yelled - I know parents are allowed to be firm with their kids. It's the overwhelming feeling I had at how little patience I had for her behavior. KNOCK IT OFF; those 3 words, words I usually use on the dog, came bubbling up like a volcano ready to erupt. I felt like I had failed as a parent, because I couldn't control it. "Word vomit", as Mean Girls would have called it. If I felt this way, why didn't I just walk away? Go in the other room, take a few deep breaths; just remove myself from the overwhelming feeling I had? I was powerless to my exhaustion, frustration, and overwhelmingly low patience.
I am especially aware of this out of control feeling since I have been practicing more mindfulness and staying present. Those 3 harsh words made me feel like I took several steps backwards. No mama-zen in that moment, that's for sure. I felt like I had undone my entire day; my day of staying calm, my day of explaining Lyla's frustration to her, my day of hard work and patience - it was all gone in my harsh tone. knock it off. Now not only was I frustrated with Lyla, but I was upset with myself.
Eric thought this was actually a good moment - he says it showed that I was human. He said that with the abundance of patience I have, the frustration is bound to build up and come out eventually. True, I guess. And I also guess that I can't be the super-mom I wish to be 100% of the time. In the perfect world, every frustration that came from my toddler's defiance and temper tantrums could be cured through exercise, yoga, and breathing techniques (and maybe the occasional glass of wine) - but the world's not perfect and neither am I.
Needless to say, life went on. We both calmed down, kissed, and made up. We did our craft, and had fun dancing in the dark wrapped in left over glow sticks. I always say that every argument Eric and I get in, we come out stronger. Well, that sort of applies here, too; ever since my "word vomit" episode, I have made a more sincere effort to stay calm, and to take every terrible 3 year old moment for what it is - just that, a 3 year old moment.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Good Bye?
Since Ben began contacting us again a few weeks ago, we've been battling back and forth about the best way to go about our mess. The mess being that he hasn't seen Lyla in 18 months, me wanting full custody, and him lowering his child support. And what a mess it is.
Initially, he wanted to start seeing Lyla again - minimally. He had the idea to take her to dinner once a month in order to re-establish a relationship, and just have her aware of his existence, basically. But as usual, Ben changed his mind.
He was upset that I wanted full custody. I explained to him that it had nothing to do with me being a bitch, as he would put it, but that he knows nothing about Lyla. If he was ever contacted in a medical emergency, he would have no idea of her allergies, medications, even her height and weight. Shared custody means that both parents are involved in the child's life and able to make legal and medical decisions for her. This is not the case. I chose her doctor, her school, everything. When I asked Ben to tell me one thing about her, his response was "she's blond" ...good one.
From here, he insisted on giving up his rights to her. He said he'd rather have nothing to do with us than to not have any legal custody of her - even though it would not effect his visitation with her whatsoever (if he chose to see her again). He said he'd rather pay nothing (for child support), sign her over, and that she'd be fully mine.
How extreme. What kind of father would rather sign over the rights to his daughter and never see her again, instead of agreeing to giving her mother full custody but still have the ability to see her and be a part of her life?
He then went on to further "rationalize" his decision. He just started a new job and taking college classes. Both part time for now, but will be full time next year. He said he simply would not have the time or money to see her for the next few years, and said he'd rather sign her over than confuse her by starting over when he "had time" or by swinging in and out every few months.
The problem? Signing over a child is easier said than done. Even if both Ben and I agree to it, a judge has to approve the decision, which is a tough thing to get done. I would have to prove that I could fully support Lyla without the help of child support, and also prove a healthy, steady living environment for her. Both which we have, but not enough in a judge's eye. Ideally, when I am working, when Eric and I have been married for another year or two, and the longer Ben goes without seeing her - this is when a judge will be likely to allow Ben to surrender his rights.
So, for now, mainly to keep Ben at bay, we're planning to lower my child support to a more affordable rate for him, and ride out the next couple of years until we would be able to have Lyla to ourselves. What blows my mind is that this is more or less Ben's idea. Before this settlement was made, he had agreed to give me full custody if I lowered child support to practically pennies per week. And now, he'd rather lower it to what the state requires him to pay, just to ride it out and eventually give her up entirely, instead of continuing to pay and see her.
My mind goes in all different directions when it comes to how I feel about all this. On one hand, I am sad. I am sad for Lyla; I will have to one day explain how her father didn't have time to be in her life. I find it sad that a father can let anything come between him and a relationship with his child. But on the other hand, I am happy. I'm happy for our family - because that's just what we can be. We won't have to share Lyla on weekends, holidays or birthdays. She won't have to grow up with two daddy's. But I'm also scared. I'm scared of what she will think when she's older, about the questions she'll ask, and about how it will effect her in the end.
I'm also scared that after all the hoops we've jumped through these past 3 years with Ben, that he will change his mind yet again and keep us jumping. He's so impulsive and all over the place, you never know what his next move will be.
For now, all I can know is that I'm doing what's best for Lyla. Anyone who says they don't have time to share with my precious toddler doesn't deserve to be in her life anyway. Eric and I work hard everyday to give her the things she has: her health, her manners, her playtime, her growth. I can just hope that she grows up knowing that everything I do is for her, and that one day she will understand this whole mess and know she is better off without Ben and lucky to have Eric.
Only time will tell what will happen over the next few years. All I know is that I'm tired of all the back and forth, and if he's really willing to say good-bye for good, then so are we.
Initially, he wanted to start seeing Lyla again - minimally. He had the idea to take her to dinner once a month in order to re-establish a relationship, and just have her aware of his existence, basically. But as usual, Ben changed his mind.
He was upset that I wanted full custody. I explained to him that it had nothing to do with me being a bitch, as he would put it, but that he knows nothing about Lyla. If he was ever contacted in a medical emergency, he would have no idea of her allergies, medications, even her height and weight. Shared custody means that both parents are involved in the child's life and able to make legal and medical decisions for her. This is not the case. I chose her doctor, her school, everything. When I asked Ben to tell me one thing about her, his response was "she's blond" ...good one.
From here, he insisted on giving up his rights to her. He said he'd rather have nothing to do with us than to not have any legal custody of her - even though it would not effect his visitation with her whatsoever (if he chose to see her again). He said he'd rather pay nothing (for child support), sign her over, and that she'd be fully mine.
How extreme. What kind of father would rather sign over the rights to his daughter and never see her again, instead of agreeing to giving her mother full custody but still have the ability to see her and be a part of her life?
He then went on to further "rationalize" his decision. He just started a new job and taking college classes. Both part time for now, but will be full time next year. He said he simply would not have the time or money to see her for the next few years, and said he'd rather sign her over than confuse her by starting over when he "had time" or by swinging in and out every few months.
The problem? Signing over a child is easier said than done. Even if both Ben and I agree to it, a judge has to approve the decision, which is a tough thing to get done. I would have to prove that I could fully support Lyla without the help of child support, and also prove a healthy, steady living environment for her. Both which we have, but not enough in a judge's eye. Ideally, when I am working, when Eric and I have been married for another year or two, and the longer Ben goes without seeing her - this is when a judge will be likely to allow Ben to surrender his rights.
So, for now, mainly to keep Ben at bay, we're planning to lower my child support to a more affordable rate for him, and ride out the next couple of years until we would be able to have Lyla to ourselves. What blows my mind is that this is more or less Ben's idea. Before this settlement was made, he had agreed to give me full custody if I lowered child support to practically pennies per week. And now, he'd rather lower it to what the state requires him to pay, just to ride it out and eventually give her up entirely, instead of continuing to pay and see her.
My mind goes in all different directions when it comes to how I feel about all this. On one hand, I am sad. I am sad for Lyla; I will have to one day explain how her father didn't have time to be in her life. I find it sad that a father can let anything come between him and a relationship with his child. But on the other hand, I am happy. I'm happy for our family - because that's just what we can be. We won't have to share Lyla on weekends, holidays or birthdays. She won't have to grow up with two daddy's. But I'm also scared. I'm scared of what she will think when she's older, about the questions she'll ask, and about how it will effect her in the end.
I'm also scared that after all the hoops we've jumped through these past 3 years with Ben, that he will change his mind yet again and keep us jumping. He's so impulsive and all over the place, you never know what his next move will be.
For now, all I can know is that I'm doing what's best for Lyla. Anyone who says they don't have time to share with my precious toddler doesn't deserve to be in her life anyway. Eric and I work hard everyday to give her the things she has: her health, her manners, her playtime, her growth. I can just hope that she grows up knowing that everything I do is for her, and that one day she will understand this whole mess and know she is better off without Ben and lucky to have Eric.
Only time will tell what will happen over the next few years. All I know is that I'm tired of all the back and forth, and if he's really willing to say good-bye for good, then so are we.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Domesticated
A few weeks ago, "cooking" meant putting something frozen in the microwave, and "baking" meant boxed mixes and pre-cut cookie dough. So, when Lyla started school and I found a few extra hours on my hands, I decided to travel down the path of real, cook-book-opening, from-scratch cooking and baking.
I started slow, literally, by cooking my first few meals in the crock pot. I've cooked several now, and somehow I always manage to misread something; adding things too soon or mixing things in the wrong order. Luckily, all of my trial-run-meals have been edible, and dare I say, good. But beyond breaking out of our same-old food rut, it gives me a sense of pride that I am actually preparing and cooking new meals for my little family. Even though I've been a mom for over 3 years and a wife for just over 1, somehow something as small as cooking makes me feel like these things for the first time all over again.
There's something about the accomplishment. I wake up, pack Lyla's lunch, send her off to school, come home, chop and prepare dinner's ingredients, and spend the rest of the morning playing with my baby girl while the sweet scent of dinner simmering fills the apartment. I love the fact that my husband arrives home from a long day at work with this smell in the air. I love serving him a dinner that I made. Even more, I love following it with a fresh baked dessert - also made by yours truly. Who knew this new domestication could make me feel so accomplished in my everyday life?
It really is the little things <3
I started slow, literally, by cooking my first few meals in the crock pot. I've cooked several now, and somehow I always manage to misread something; adding things too soon or mixing things in the wrong order. Luckily, all of my trial-run-meals have been edible, and dare I say, good. But beyond breaking out of our same-old food rut, it gives me a sense of pride that I am actually preparing and cooking new meals for my little family. Even though I've been a mom for over 3 years and a wife for just over 1, somehow something as small as cooking makes me feel like these things for the first time all over again.
There's something about the accomplishment. I wake up, pack Lyla's lunch, send her off to school, come home, chop and prepare dinner's ingredients, and spend the rest of the morning playing with my baby girl while the sweet scent of dinner simmering fills the apartment. I love the fact that my husband arrives home from a long day at work with this smell in the air. I love serving him a dinner that I made. Even more, I love following it with a fresh baked dessert - also made by yours truly. Who knew this new domestication could make me feel so accomplished in my everyday life?
It really is the little things <3
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Fall
I am so excited that fall is here. The cool, crisp air, apples ready for picking, but most important - the memories to be made with my kids.
When I became pregnant with Lyla, fall was the time of year I had envisioned; little knitted hats and sweaters, being pulled in a wooden wagon through the apple fields, and arriving home to have Mommy bake a homemade pie. Well, that wasn't exactly the way it went these past few years, but I think we're finally there. Maybe it's my happiness and the fact that I'm practicing staying present, maybe it's Lyla's age and watching her excitement each time she finds an apple in the tree like it's the first one she's seen, or maybe it's the fact that for the first time in my life I've actually opened a cook book and feel capable of baking. Whatever the reason, this year feels more special than those before.
I've embarked on my new cooking adventure with Lyla by my side. She's helped me prepare and cook each meal and dessert for the last week. When we arrived home from the Keith's Farm with our bag full of apples on Saturday, Lyla helped me wash and slice each one, and poured and mixed all of our ingredients together for our crisp. I remember doing things like this with my mother - the house smelling deliciously like fall desserts. Now it's my turn to pass on this tradition with my girls.
We spent yesterday making fall decorations of leaves, apples and pumpkins. I couldn't help but get excited for another trip to Keith's for a hayride to the pumpkin patch. I'm so looking forward to painting and carving them with my big girl :) Perhaps I'll even be brave enough to make my own pie with one :-X but in the meantime, the Pumpkin Pie Yankee Candle my fabulous mother in law gave me will have to.
I'm going to make this fall season last as long as possible, cherishing each crisp-sweater-wearing day, because before I know it, it will be I-can't-put-my-arms-down coat and snow season, where I will more than likely go stir crazy in this apartment. So I'll surely be making the most of everyday; jumping in leaf piles, baking up a storm, dressing my girls in to-die-for little outfits - all the things I envisioned nearly 4 years ago are coming true. No better feeling :)
When I became pregnant with Lyla, fall was the time of year I had envisioned; little knitted hats and sweaters, being pulled in a wooden wagon through the apple fields, and arriving home to have Mommy bake a homemade pie. Well, that wasn't exactly the way it went these past few years, but I think we're finally there. Maybe it's my happiness and the fact that I'm practicing staying present, maybe it's Lyla's age and watching her excitement each time she finds an apple in the tree like it's the first one she's seen, or maybe it's the fact that for the first time in my life I've actually opened a cook book and feel capable of baking. Whatever the reason, this year feels more special than those before.
I've embarked on my new cooking adventure with Lyla by my side. She's helped me prepare and cook each meal and dessert for the last week. When we arrived home from the Keith's Farm with our bag full of apples on Saturday, Lyla helped me wash and slice each one, and poured and mixed all of our ingredients together for our crisp. I remember doing things like this with my mother - the house smelling deliciously like fall desserts. Now it's my turn to pass on this tradition with my girls.
We spent yesterday making fall decorations of leaves, apples and pumpkins. I couldn't help but get excited for another trip to Keith's for a hayride to the pumpkin patch. I'm so looking forward to painting and carving them with my big girl :) Perhaps I'll even be brave enough to make my own pie with one :-X but in the meantime, the Pumpkin Pie Yankee Candle my fabulous mother in law gave me will have to.
I'm going to make this fall season last as long as possible, cherishing each crisp-sweater-wearing day, because before I know it, it will be I-can't-put-my-arms-down coat and snow season, where I will more than likely go stir crazy in this apartment. So I'll surely be making the most of everyday; jumping in leaf piles, baking up a storm, dressing my girls in to-die-for little outfits - all the things I envisioned nearly 4 years ago are coming true. No better feeling :)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
First Day of School!
As if the facebook/twitter/instagram world wasn't aware by my million posts and pictures...
I was up at 530 this morning, unable to sleep with both anxiety and excitement for my big girl's first day of preschool. I wrote her name on what seemed to be a hundred items as I packed her backpack. As I stood in the kitchen, spreading peanut butter and jelly, slicing grapes, and packing a little chocolate treat, I felt like my dad on my school mornings. How strange that this is now my role, and a role that will repeat itself for the next 15 years!
She picked out a sparkly Hello Kitty shirt with black striped skirt and light-up sparkly sneakers to match, with the usual pigtails and clip on bow. She ate a blueberry waffle, and tucked Kitty in her bed since she's now allowed at school. She romped around the apartment for at least 30 minutes before we had to leave wearing her backpack - also Hello Kitty, and chatted with Hannah about how she is a big girl going to school today.
We got there right at 8am. Went inside and found Lyla's picture with a hook below it to hang her sweater and backpack. We were then told to go into the bathroom and wash hands before going to play. She then had to find her name on a board, name the shape that was attached, and turn it around to show she was there.
Then the big moment came - time for Mommy to leave. I wasn't too sure how she'd react, even though for the past 3 months I've warned her that Mommys and Daddys don't go to school with big girls like her. I gave her a big hug and kiss, told her to have fun and that I'd see her after lunch. She hugged and kissed me back, exchanged "I love you"s, and went off to play.
That's it? No melt down? Not even a single lingering look? Okay, maybe a slight lingering look as Hannah and I walked out the door, but nothing more.
She's such a big girl now! Playing at school, making new friends, learning new things, while I'm at home with a napping baby, writing, with what I'm sure will soon be a spotless home with dinner preparing. I miss her already, but I'm so excited for her to start this new chapter in life!
Where did these 3 years go??
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