Since Ben began contacting us again a few weeks ago, we've been battling back and forth about the best way to go about our mess. The mess being that he hasn't seen Lyla in 18 months, me wanting full custody, and him lowering his child support. And what a mess it is.
Initially, he wanted to start seeing Lyla again - minimally. He had the idea to take her to dinner once a month in order to re-establish a relationship, and just have her aware of his existence, basically. But as usual, Ben changed his mind.
He was upset that I wanted full custody. I explained to him that it had nothing to do with me being a bitch, as he would put it, but that he knows nothing about Lyla. If he was ever contacted in a medical emergency, he would have no idea of her allergies, medications, even her height and weight. Shared custody means that both parents are involved in the child's life and able to make legal and medical decisions for her. This is not the case. I chose her doctor, her school, everything. When I asked Ben to tell me one thing about her, his response was "she's blond" ...good one.
From here, he insisted on giving up his rights to her. He said he'd rather have nothing to do with us than to not have any legal custody of her - even though it would not effect his visitation with her whatsoever (if he chose to see her again). He said he'd rather pay nothing (for child support), sign her over, and that she'd be fully mine.
How extreme. What kind of father would rather sign over the rights to his daughter and never see her again, instead of agreeing to giving her mother full custody but still have the ability to see her and be a part of her life?
He then went on to further "rationalize" his decision. He just started a new job and taking college classes. Both part time for now, but will be full time next year. He said he simply would not have the time or money to see her for the next few years, and said he'd rather sign her over than confuse her by starting over when he "had time" or by swinging in and out every few months.
The problem? Signing over a child is easier said than done. Even if both Ben and I agree to it, a judge has to approve the decision, which is a tough thing to get done. I would have to prove that I could fully support Lyla without the help of child support, and also prove a healthy, steady living environment for her. Both which we have, but not enough in a judge's eye. Ideally, when I am working, when Eric and I have been married for another year or two, and the longer Ben goes without seeing her - this is when a judge will be likely to allow Ben to surrender his rights.
So, for now, mainly to keep Ben at bay, we're planning to lower my child support to a more affordable rate for him, and ride out the next couple of years until we would be able to have Lyla to ourselves. What blows my mind is that this is more or less Ben's idea. Before this settlement was made, he had agreed to give me full custody if I lowered child support to practically pennies per week. And now, he'd rather lower it to what the state requires him to pay, just to ride it out and eventually give her up entirely, instead of continuing to pay and see her.
My mind goes in all different directions when it comes to how I feel about all this. On one hand, I am sad. I am sad for Lyla; I will have to one day explain how her father didn't have time to be in her life. I find it sad that a father can let anything come between him and a relationship with his child. But on the other hand, I am happy. I'm happy for our family - because that's just what we can be. We won't have to share Lyla on weekends, holidays or birthdays. She won't have to grow up with two daddy's. But I'm also scared. I'm scared of what she will think when she's older, about the questions she'll ask, and about how it will effect her in the end.
I'm also scared that after all the hoops we've jumped through these past 3 years with Ben, that he will change his mind yet again and keep us jumping. He's so impulsive and all over the place, you never know what his next move will be.
For now, all I can know is that I'm doing what's best for Lyla. Anyone who says they don't have time to share with my precious toddler doesn't deserve to be in her life anyway. Eric and I work hard everyday to give her the things she has: her health, her manners, her playtime, her growth. I can just hope that she grows up knowing that everything I do is for her, and that one day she will understand this whole mess and know she is better off without Ben and lucky to have Eric.
Only time will tell what will happen over the next few years. All I know is that I'm tired of all the back and forth, and if he's really willing to say good-bye for good, then so are we.
No comments:
Post a Comment