TV cut-back

Confession time: I've become one of those mothers who has fallen into the "TV babysitter" rut, and I hate myself for getting here. I used to refuse to let Lyla watch any television. Then, it was an "educational" show or two in the morning - with me sitting right next to her, interacting throughout. Then, I slowly realized how still and calm she became when watching TV, and how little she noticed me being there with her. I began to use her morning TV-time as my time; time to do the dishes, fold the laundry, take the dog out, etc. In my head, it was perfect: I was getting all of these things out of the way so we would have the whole day ahead of us without the stack of dishes or piles of laundry standing in our way. One hour of morning shows turned into 2, and even sometimes more. What I didn't realize is how much time I was missing out on with Lyla by taking this time for myself.

And, it's summer! Mornings are warm and welcoming, unlike the cold, snowy winter that lies ahead of us. What am I thinking spending 2+ hours inside cleaning every morning while my toddler sits glued to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse? I had always assumed it was Lyla who wanted the TV on first thing in the morning, but now I'm realizing that it was me, turning it on before she even asked about it. So, I put it to the test.

Yesterday, when Lyla woke up, Hannah was already awake and nursed, playing happily on the floor to the sound of her favorite lullaby CD. Lyla came to sit and coo with us on the floor, and then proceeded to take out her coloring things. What? You aren't asking to turn on the Fresh Beat Band? Really? I was shocked. In fact, when I asked what she wanted to do, expecting her to demand her morning shows, she asked to go to the playground. I checked my phone: sunny and 80 degrees. Playground? Absolutely. Maybe she was having an off day, so I did the same this morning. She waltzed out of bed at an unusually late 8am, asked for breakfast, and then to go play outside. No TV, again!

2 hours of TV every morning, give or take - that's 14 hours a week that I could spend playing with my girls and not worry about what chores need to get done. Especially when it's this easy, and not some cruel punishment to Lyla to turn off the tube. Still, we both need our downtime throughout the day since neither of us can physically run around all day everyday, so the TV still comes on; I'm just more careful about when and how long. These past 2 days, I've asked Lyla if she would like to watch a show before nap or after dinner, while I sit and nurse the baby and watch with her. I feel much better about her TV-time knowing that I'm spending that time with her, asking questions and responding along with the incredibly bubbly annoying characters. We also have a weekly movie night when Eric goes to his exercise class, where Lyla picks a Disney movie, we make popcorn, and cuddle on the couch or around Hannah on the floor. Admittedly, I will sometimes sit and fold some laundry while Beauty and the Beast grasps my toddler's attention, but I'll take that over a daily 2 hours of morning chores.

If (when) the morning comes that Lyla does ask for TV first thing, I won't hesitate to put it on. I'll just be sure to stay present and take the time to put my feet up and watch with her, instead of looking around at what I could get done. The dishes can sit in the sink for a little longer.

It may be harder on me, since the cut back on television forces me into a more active day, but no one ever said being a mom was easy, and I don't like knowing that I may have been taking an easy way out. At the end of the day, I love knowing that I took all my time and energy and put it towards my girls. They won't be little forever, and I don't want to let anymore time slip away.

Anytime throughout motherhood where I can stop, look at myself, and make room for improvement, I will always be willing to do so. I saw something I didn't like, and I changed it. It may be something small, but knowing I have this ability will help me to make bigger changes in the future, and create the best lives for my children. Who could ask for more?

Accomplished

Through my many journey's of motherhood, it's safe to say that I've accomplished a lot: I've birthed two children, I've spent sleepless nights nursing, I've done countless loads of laundry and washed hundreds of dishes, the list is endless. However, as I learn to stay present and focus on right now, at the end of the day, the word "accomplished" holds a new meaning.

Up until recently, I may have judged my day's accomplishments on how many chores I got done. I'd be proud to announce that I got to the usual dishes and laundry, but also dusted, swept, vacuumed and organized. My goal was to go to bed with an empty sink, folded clothes, toys picked up and dining room table clear - just to wake up and do it all over again. It was time for an adjustment here.

I needed to find a balance. I often found myself saying that I never have a break during the day, but this was my own fault. In the morning, when Lyla watches a few of her Disney Junior shows and Hannah is napping, I usually take that time to do the breakfast dishes, and perhaps a little dusting and sweeping, when I could be snuggled on the couch with my big girl, feet up, and resting. The same with nap time. I could use those couple of hours to nap myself, but instead I'm taking care of the lunch dishes, prepping dinner, and usually setting up a craft or activity for when Lyla wakes up. If there's any sweet silence of napping children left once my house is clean yet again, I may catch up on some reading or writing, but my mind was never at rest. That was the first thing I had to change.

I took away all the distractions. If I was nursing Hannah, I would turn the tv off, maybe put on one of my massage playlists or classical lullabies, and just stare at my baby - totally in the moment. Instead of setting Lyla up with something to do so I could tend to something else, I'll sit and do it with her, investing all of my time into her, while I let the laundry sit unfolded in the dryer for just a bit longer. It's amazing how much more time I found to just sit and play, or kick my feet up and relax, when I let the other things fall behind a bit.

All I know is that now, at the end of the day, I measure my accomplishments much differently. When I climb into bed at night and Eric and I are quietly chatting about our day, I no longer feel that the fact that the floor got mopped is what made my day great, but my ability to be patient, present, and there with my girls is. That's when I feel most accomplished and pleased with myself. And if I had a day where I lost my cool, dwelled on future happenings, or tended to other things more than I needed to, then tomorrow is another day to try harder.

Momma Zen - Inspired

"Stay Present" - it's something I've heard time and time again from friends and family members, and now yoga instructors and meditation books. The true beauty in this little piece of advice is not fathomable until you  completely allow yourself to let go, and for me, this took lots of practice. So here's where I go all earthy-crunchy on you and blog my recent zen inspirations.

Let go.
The past is done with. It cannot be changed.
The future is not here yet. You cannot predict it.
Live for today. Live for this moment. Live for you.

Staying present has lots of not all to do with self acceptance. Stop dwelling on what you didn't get done, and focus on what you did. (Even if that means you sat around on the couch all day - hey, you listened to your body, and took time to relax. Good job.) Stop comparing. You are who you are - you are no one else, you will never be anyone else. Appreciate yourself and all you do. Don't focus on what you can't change; live for right now. If you're tired, let yourself be tired. Take a rest, relax, breathe. If you're overwhelmed, accept things for what they are, and move on. There's nothing you can't make it through. You are you, beautiful, wonderful you.

Smile. Happiness is contagious.

As a mother, my day has the ability to be filled with thoughts of all the things I could be doing or should have done; it took me 3 years to learn (and I'm still learning) to put a stop to these thoughts. To be the best mother I can be is to be confident in my decisions, and pay attention to myself and my needs as well as those of my kids. Maybe we didn't make it outside to play on this beautiful summer day because I was simply too tired after staying up all night with the baby - but we did lots of crafts, read lots of stories, and laughed a whole lot. This is where I need to focus my energy - positive energy - into all the things I did do with my kids today.

The most difficult times to stay present, I find, is when we have an unexpected change in plans. Maybe Eric is stuck in traffic and arrives home an hour later than expected, after an entire day of me counting down the hours, then minutes, until he gets home so I can go for my run and get my small break in the day. My reaction isn't always so zen - but I'm trying. It's something that's out of my hands, and I have to accept it - he's getting home late. Maybe I won't have time to run that day. I can choose to dwell on this, the negative, or I can throw my hands up in defeat of the inevitable, and think "okay, now I have extra time to do another craft or read another book with Lyla".

Staying present is staying positive in the moment. Accept right now for what it is - happy or sad, stressed or relieved; whatever it is, it's in your control. You are the only person who controls you - you always have a choice in your life, your reactions, your responses. If there's nothing you can do, surrender to the moment.

It's a daily reminder, and a way to a better, stress-free life.
This is something I strive for. Something I work hard for. Something I live for.
I've found love, I've created life, and now is my time to focus on me - being confident and appreciative in all I do. Not to be defined as wife and mother, but as a person - happy inside and out.
It's a process, but one I will work at daily.
To stop. To let go.
To stay present.

First Laugh!!

Hannah laughed for the first time today while we were playing patty-cake, and it made me absolutely melt. I giggled right along with her and kept up my ridiculous high pitched mommy-voice while I choked back tears as my little baby hit one of her first little milestones.

As a second-time mom, I had this fear that all of Hannah's firsts wouldn't be as special to me as they were with Lyla, because I will have already experienced them all. Oh, but how wrong I was. That tiny giggle today sent me over the moon with glee and love for my little one, and was just as precious as it was 3 years ago.

Along with my elation came a huge sigh of relief that I didn't feel any "been there, done that" feelings, and has made me that much more excited for all the future milestones and firsts my beautiful baby Hannah will accomplish.

I have a feeling Eric and I will have a lot more patty-cake in our near future ;)

Breast-feeding

Funny how one of the most natural things is one of the most publicly frowned upon: breast feeding. I mean, I get it, a part of the female body that sexually should be kept private is suddenly whipped out at the first whimper of a baby. And I have to admit that even as a nursing mom, I can feel a bit uncomfortable when I see a mother shamelessly nursing in public without any attempt of exposure prevention. But regardless, I love(d) nursing my girls.

With Lyla, I felt more shy and embarrassed by it, since it always seemed to be feeding time when my college-sophomore friends were visiting. On top of that, I felt extremely restricted by it, since I couldn't go anywhere without the baby for more than a couple of hours before she needed to be fed again, and anything more than a glass of red wine was a no-no. But day by day I grew more comfortable with nursing, and learned to love the bonding it allowed me to have with my baby girl.

With Hannah, I knew what to expect, and was much more at ease and comfortable with round two. I'm not quite the public-boob-whipper-outter, because I use a shawl anytime we're out or have company, but I'm enjoying the experience much more this time around. I love knowing that I am giving my daughter the best healthy start to life. Everything I eat, she eats, and therefore I am taking the best care of myself, too. It's an indescribable feeling to know that my body is making the food that is helping her grow in leaps and bounds. I can comfort her both by holding and feeding her at the same time, skin to skin, her eyes locked on mine. It's something no one else can give her, and with her refusing to take expressed milk from a bottle, it can be difficult at times always being the one who needs to stop and feed her every few hours, but it's a difficulty that is rewarding. It's also an excuse to sit down, put my feet up, and relax for a half hour. There's never any prep; no bottles to wash, no heating to be done, no worry of packing enough for an outting...it's amazing.

It's also a crazy feeling to know that I'm using my body the way it was intended to be used. I've created, carried, and birthed 2 beautiful girls, and continued to use my body to feed them, nourish them, and comfort them. Knowing that I only plan to nurse Hannah for a year, and because I know how fast that will go by, I'm appreciative of this bonding time I have with her. I was relieved when Lyla weaned herself at 12 months, but with our plan to have no more children, I feel I'll actually be sad when Hannah has moved onto cow's milk.

I'm a breast feeding mom, and proud of it.

Simply Motherhood

Motherhood is amazing. Simple as that. Everyday I am amazed by my girls, and it truly never gets old. Now, having two, I find that one helps me appreciate the other even more; I'm constantly in disbelief that Lyla was ever as small as Hannah, and that Hannah will one day be able to walk and talk like her big sister. Being a mother is the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, and I'm sure it can't be topped.

Today, I was staring down at my baby girl, and felt overwhelmed with emotion. "We made her", I always think. She's always staring up at me with her bright blue eyes and long lashes, smiling at recognition of "mommy" - I'm her mommy.  Eric and I will be the ones to teach her everything she will know for the first few years of her life. What power. It's incredible how those two little pink lines and blurry ultrasound pictures suddenly turns into this little being, our little being, our daughter, who will grow and laugh and play.

And Lyla, who seems to grow smarter and bigger everyday. She starts preschool in a matter of days! I remember talking about the "school-age" when she was a baby, and it seemed so far away. To think that it's now here is yet another reminder of just how fast time goes by, and how quickly they grow up. We taught her to walk and talk, colors and shapes, letters and art, and now she will have a new teacher, make new friends, and open a whole new world of experiences.

I feel as if one chapter of my early motherhood has come to a close, with Lyla starting school. And yet another is just beginning - with Hannah. She knows nothing of this world but eating, sleeping and pooping, and we'll be the ones to teach her all the rest. As my big girl begins to learn from a new teacher at school, I look forward to spending my days repeatedly pointing to Hannah's nose, playing peekaboo, and singing ridiculous songs. "One down, one to go", I feel sometimes, but I know when all is said and done, I will be rewarded with two beautiful, healthy, smart children.

I have two kids. This is still amazing to me. Two!? Two. Awesome.

Lyla's Vacation

I'll admit it - Lyla's been really tough lately. I'm not sure if it's the reality of Hannah's permanency, or just another stage in toddlerhood, but it's been difficult. Very little can be done without a wild meltdown; even Eric was just saying how he hasn't even been able to play with her these past couple of weeks because if he does something silly to make her laugh, like wear her much-too-small-sunglasses, she goes into the "those are MINE and I want them" bossiness. There's no avoiding it, because at some point in the day, one thing or another doesn't go exactly her way, and she melts. "WELCOME TO '3'" everyone with kids tells me. It makes me sad it some strange way; both because I feel like I'm losing the giggly toddler I once had, and also because I know it's a part of her growing up. And naturally, because I'm lil' ol' sensitive me, I blame myself for her reactions. Maybe it's because Eric and I have grown less tolerant of her behavior lately? Maybe it really is because of Hannah? Maybe she's receiving much less attention than I realize? Whatever it is, I feel like I have tried everything from staying cool as a cucumber during the worst of temper tantrums, to raising my voice and having consequences for each "naughty" moment - like taking away a dessert or some TV time. In some way I almost feel like I am failing as a parent because she is so unbelievably sensitive and constantly getting so worked up and upset over things, and I feel so helpless when I can't prevent them or talk her down quickly. When she's happy she is the sweetest little girl, always thinking of others and talks in this teeny high pitched little voice that just makes me melt. So I feel truly sad that she's been so tough lately.

With that said, for her birthday she wanted to go on a vacation to Maine with my mom, and for months I put it off because I didn't want to be away from her. Aside from our honeymoon, I've never spent more than one night away from her. I especially didn't want her going before Hannah was born because I was determined to suck up as much one-on-one time as I could, knowing I'd never get that back. So I decided that after her birthday would be a good time to go; I would have spent the weekend celebrating and spending time with her, and then she could go have a few days away with Grammy before Eric, Hannah and I join her. And boy, the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

The weekend went really well; 2 birthday parties and a sleepover with my 3 nieces made for a hectic, but fun, couple of days. Lyla - between meltdowns - had a blast running around with friends and opening presents. But by the time it was all said and done, no nap and a sugar crash was the cause for one cranky birthday girl. My mother was contemplating leaving for Maine in the morning instead of last night, and I was pushing for the earlier leave. I was exhausted, and after a day of giving all my energy to her birthday festivities and calmly dealing with each small meltdown throughout the day, I was ready for my break. On top of feeling this way, of course, I felt guilty for feeling this way. Shouldn't a good mother always want to be with her child 100% of the time, good or bad? Am I the worst person ever for actually looking forward to the few days I'll have to myself (and Hannah and Eric, of course)? Will people think I'm horrible for even letting my 3 year old go on a 3 hour road trip to Maine without me for nearly a week? Packing her bag last night was definitely bittersweet.

I held her for the longest time before she left, gave her hundreds of kisses and talked about all the fun she'd have on the beach, collecting sea glass and shells. And of course, I cried when she left because even as difficult as she'd been, I missed her immediately. Hell, I miss her when she naps, so I must have known that as nice as the break will be, that it's going to be equally as tough. This morning was too weird. I got to go back to sleep at 6am when Hannah settled back down after a feeding, instead of the usual one-goes-down, one-gets-up. When I did wake up, it was to a coo-ing baby instead of "mommy I'm ready to come out!" over the monitor. It was strange to be making breakfast to the sounds of music instead of Mickey Mouse in the background. Without having to prepare and feed her breakfast and follow requests of "more this or that please" - I didn't know what to do with myself. I played with Hannah when she was awake as usual, but then when she went down for her first nap (a time usually spent doing a craft or reading books with Ly) I felt so bored! I folded the laundry, cleaned up a bit, and sat down to write this blog; probably the longest one I've written in a while since I wasn't squeezing it in during lunch or nap time. I realized all that I could do: I could finish the book I started 2 months ago, I could do a home-work out before my run later, I can finally work on Hannah's baby book...oh the possibilities.

I'm trying to let go of the guilt I have for allowing Lyla's little vacation, so that I can actually relax and enjoy mine. Hannah and Eric probably won't know what to do with all the extra attention I'll have to give this week. I think it will be good for Lyla to get away, too; she deserves some one-on-one time with her Grammy who is known for giving her even a little too much attention, which she could really use right now. But of course, I am counting down the days until we can pack up and join them, because I already cannot wait to kiss her squishy cheeks and hear that little voice. Hopefully I can recharge my mom-pateince battery and feel refreshed and ready to tackle the 3 year old tantrums with new energy come Friday.

<3

Family Importance

Growing up, big holidays were always something I looked forward to because it meant seeing our extended family. My dad's side joined us at his place for Thanksgiving, and on Christmas Eve there was always a big gathering with my mom's family. It was great to catch up with cousins, aunts and uncles who we may only see that one day a year. Unfortunately, after my Nana's passing, my mother's family fell into several arguments and the yearly gathering came to an end, and Thanksgiving at my dad's slowly decreased to our immediate family and significant others. Although I still look forward to this time with family, it is disappointing to see how families can stray from one another.

Now being married with 2 children, I want to make holidays as special for my kids as it was for me when I was growing up - and I don't mean showering them with gifts (although there's a fair share of that, too), but mainly to stress the importance of family. In a perfect world, there would be one giant holiday gathering between our two families where we had the opportunity to see everyone all at once. In the real world, this have been proven impossible; both because of the size of our families, and also because of unresolved arguments, divorce, and hostility between several family members. It was clear to me and Eric back when we were planning our wedding that nothing involving out families would be easy. Someone won't show because of the presence of another, one will feel left out when plans are made elsewhere; it makes even a small family dinner nearly impossible. Planning birthday parties and baptisms has been a struggle, and major holidays? The worst.

Holidays for Eric and I means to multiply by 4. One gathering with his moms side, one with his dad, off to Worcester to my dad's, and then to Maine for my mom. Although it keeps us busy, quite frankly it sucks. This year, playing the "newborn" card, I claimed Christmas. I'm not driving 4 different places with a toddler, newborn, and dog - if you want to see us on Christmas you're coming here. Lucky for me, my parents don't have an issue spending holidays together, especially when neither of them are hosting. But each year, I miss the excitement I used to have to see the extended family all together.

Someday when we own a much bigger home, I would love to be the bigger person in all of this family drama and host the annual holiday party. Unfortunately, I'm sure one person or another won't attend because of reasons previously listed, but who knows what will happen over the next few years - hopefully things will find a way to settle down. Even when Lyla's father and I were in contact, I had proposed the idea of having one joined holiday a year (even something minor, like Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day); it was, at the time, important to me to have Lyla see that Ben and I could get along as her parents, even though we were not together. Especially if we had both married and had children: those are Lyla's siblings, and I thought it would be great for her to be with all of her siblings and both sets of parents one day out of the year. Now, with him not seeing her for over a year, this isn't a concern of mine, but who knows what can happen down the road.

Having children really opened my eyes to family importance, and made me look back and appreciate all the times I did have with my family. I can only hope that we will find a balance with our "4 families" and that holidays will one day settle down and be a bit easier - right now it feels like we are pulled in all directions, and someone is always left hurt or left out. We can't control what goes on in our family, but I can make sure that we, myself, Eric, Lyla and Hannah, stay close and maintain the best relationships with each other. You only want the best for your kids, and family is at the top of the list.