I often find myself thinking about where my life would be if I hadn't become a mother at such a young age. I had (what I thought were) big plans for myself, after all.
After choosing a 13 month program to become a Massage Therapist, I was feeling a little left out of the whole "college experience" that most of my good friends were diving into. I continued to live and study at home, while every one else bunked in dorms with their new best friends. I worked my ass off studying during the week keeping up an A+ average, and partied my liver away at my friends various colleges on the weekends.
Feeling secluded at home with most of my friends away, I poured myself into my newest relationship, that, you guessed it, revolved around partying. That eventually fizzled out and I made plans with friends to move to Amherst and live in an apartment together once I graduated from Massage Therapy School. I could only think of the incredibly hip life I'd have; massaging college athletes or alongside a yoga instructor next to a corner café, and living like a sorority girl all at the same time. What I didn't plan for was the discovery of a pregnancy just days after I became a certified MT.
Well, those plans went out the window.
From that moment on my life revolved around work, healthy living, and book after book of "What to Expect". And because of this, I can't help but be thankful for the timing of this unplanned miracle, because I truly feel like it saved me in so many ways.
It was the kick off to my clean eating, to my daily exercise, to my prioritizing, to true love, to absolutely everything that is in my life today. And because of what seemed like poor timing, and because I was at home breastfeeding and changing diapers while my friends were all at the bars and making lifetime friendships, I immersed myself in motherhood. I used it as a distraction from the outside world, from my unhappy relationship, from everything. From the moment those little pink lines appeared, it was all about her. Those distractions became a form of habit, and those habits lead me to truly love and appreciate everything there was about motherhood and this beautiful, incredible little girl I had created.
It also taught me to never settle. It wasn't just about me anymore, and my little girl deserved the best, deserved happiness, deserved love. And because I wanted this for her, I needed it for me. I am thankful everyday for the timing of this pregnancy. I am thankful that I am sitting here today, happily married with two beautiful healthy children. I am happy that because I had Lyla exactly when I did, I was forced to take a new path.
That little girl saved me in more ways than she will ever know.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Motherhood Struggles
I will say it - I bust my ass as a stay at home mom. It's a job that could be much easier if I just allowed for a little more TV time, or chose day care and work instead of the time at home. A friend of mine shed some light on why she thinks I might be as hard-working as I am, and I found it very enlightening.
I got pregnant with Lyla at 19 and had her at 20. It was a very sudden, very new relationship I was in, and surrounded by judgmental peers who were full of opinions. Knowing I couldn't do anything about what people would say or think of my situation, I knew that I had no choice but to prove them wrong by being the best. Sure, it was an unplanned pregnancy. And sure, I was young. But what could people say poorly about me if I was an amazing mother? Until my friend brought up this point, I had never really thought of it that way, but it made me realize that this realistically was my initial mindset - I had just never said it aloud. But from the moment I got pregnant, I knew that there was no way I would ever take a short cut or an easy way out. This was my baby, and I was all hers.
I will admit though, that I think the hardest part about parenting it just how hard I can be on myself. I guess it's not entirely bad to be "obsessed" with your kids, but I feel I can take it to the extreme sometimes. I exhaust myself making sure that, everyday, they are read to, played with, out for fresh air, learning new things...etc. Most days this is wonderful, and I feel amazing about the job I am doing as their mother. But there are days where my desire for constant stimulation for my children gets in the way.
Some days - particularly days where Eric doesn't work - we will spend more time thinking of a family day plan, rather than actually spending time and playing with the girls. I am so set on getting out and doing something new and fun, that we waste half the day deciding, which leads me to be frustrated about the time that has slipped away, and if we do make it out, it's rushed, frantic, and forced.
My latest and greatest learning experience in motherhood is to just let go. If I am at home, paying attention to the girls, that is much more productive than cooking up a plan that will simply get us out of the house for an hour. And if I am at the gym or out running errands, I can't be upset with my husband for not taking them outside, or not reading to them. His time with them is his - I shouldn't feel the need to control it.
With everyday in motherhood there is a lesson to be learned. I keep learning, and keep changing. I will never regret working as hard as I do, because you would do anything for your kids. But I am happy to have found ways to be more relaxed if things don't necessarily go "according to plan".
I got pregnant with Lyla at 19 and had her at 20. It was a very sudden, very new relationship I was in, and surrounded by judgmental peers who were full of opinions. Knowing I couldn't do anything about what people would say or think of my situation, I knew that I had no choice but to prove them wrong by being the best. Sure, it was an unplanned pregnancy. And sure, I was young. But what could people say poorly about me if I was an amazing mother? Until my friend brought up this point, I had never really thought of it that way, but it made me realize that this realistically was my initial mindset - I had just never said it aloud. But from the moment I got pregnant, I knew that there was no way I would ever take a short cut or an easy way out. This was my baby, and I was all hers.
I will admit though, that I think the hardest part about parenting it just how hard I can be on myself. I guess it's not entirely bad to be "obsessed" with your kids, but I feel I can take it to the extreme sometimes. I exhaust myself making sure that, everyday, they are read to, played with, out for fresh air, learning new things...etc. Most days this is wonderful, and I feel amazing about the job I am doing as their mother. But there are days where my desire for constant stimulation for my children gets in the way.
Some days - particularly days where Eric doesn't work - we will spend more time thinking of a family day plan, rather than actually spending time and playing with the girls. I am so set on getting out and doing something new and fun, that we waste half the day deciding, which leads me to be frustrated about the time that has slipped away, and if we do make it out, it's rushed, frantic, and forced.
My latest and greatest learning experience in motherhood is to just let go. If I am at home, paying attention to the girls, that is much more productive than cooking up a plan that will simply get us out of the house for an hour. And if I am at the gym or out running errands, I can't be upset with my husband for not taking them outside, or not reading to them. His time with them is his - I shouldn't feel the need to control it.
With everyday in motherhood there is a lesson to be learned. I keep learning, and keep changing. I will never regret working as hard as I do, because you would do anything for your kids. But I am happy to have found ways to be more relaxed if things don't necessarily go "according to plan".
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Modern Parenting - What Works for Us
There's a lot of hype revolving around modern, gentle ways to parent these days.
Never say "no". Never yell. No time outs - ever.
As much as I'd like to think of myself as one of these cool, mellow parents who is able to raise her children in a calm and collected manner, without ever shouting or sending someone to their room, I'm not. However, I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it, or even tried it for a day...or half an hour.
Good parenting, to me, is defined by knowing what works best for you and your children. I am not quick to put my kids in a time out, but they will end up there after several warnings. I try to use phrases like "we don't pull hair" followed by an explanation of "that hurts", but will not hesitate to let out a firm "NO" after poor Lyla is crying and Hannah has her third fist full of her sisters hair.
I will admit that I do not always believe time outs work. They spend that time crying, and other than a forced "sorry" and a hug, nothing gets fixed. They will still be upset and act according to their emotions, which still results in grumpy, sibling-bothering kids. I've realized that at times, the time out has more to do with ME needing a break and them needing to be removed from a situation, rather than them being punished. And this is where we found something that works for us: alone time.
Alone time, usually pertaining to Lyla, and is when we have her go in her room and choose an activity to do - alone. We explain to her that she is not in trouble, but also why she needs this time to herself; not sharing well, not speaking kindly...etc. She can read books, color, do puzzles, or rest in bed. We tell her that she can come out whenever she is ready to play/talk nicely. This is something that has really worked. She will usually spend at least a half hour in her room, doing activities that can be difficult with Hannah around, like color with markers or use her princess things that have smaller pieces. I'll check in on her to bring her a snack, or "ooh" and "ahh" over something she just created. When she feels ready to come out of her room, she is like a whole new kid. She is happy, more calm, apologizes on her own, and plays with her sister without frustration.
It's also something that is great for me, too. When you're at home all day and you feel like one more temper tantrum might just put you over the edge, this "alone time" is the perfect little break needed from the chaos of arguing siblings. It allows things in the house to quiet down, Hannah gets the attention she wants, and Lyla gets the alone time she needs. We can all come back together with more patience and understanding, and move on with the rest of our day.
It prevents a lot of yelling on my part, and hair-pulling on theirs.
So as much as I may use the word "no", raise my voice, and use time-outs, we seem to be making it work for our family just fine.
Never say "no". Never yell. No time outs - ever.
As much as I'd like to think of myself as one of these cool, mellow parents who is able to raise her children in a calm and collected manner, without ever shouting or sending someone to their room, I'm not. However, I'd be lying if I said that I haven't thought about it, or even tried it for a day...or half an hour.
Good parenting, to me, is defined by knowing what works best for you and your children. I am not quick to put my kids in a time out, but they will end up there after several warnings. I try to use phrases like "we don't pull hair" followed by an explanation of "that hurts", but will not hesitate to let out a firm "NO" after poor Lyla is crying and Hannah has her third fist full of her sisters hair.
I will admit that I do not always believe time outs work. They spend that time crying, and other than a forced "sorry" and a hug, nothing gets fixed. They will still be upset and act according to their emotions, which still results in grumpy, sibling-bothering kids. I've realized that at times, the time out has more to do with ME needing a break and them needing to be removed from a situation, rather than them being punished. And this is where we found something that works for us: alone time.
Alone time, usually pertaining to Lyla, and is when we have her go in her room and choose an activity to do - alone. We explain to her that she is not in trouble, but also why she needs this time to herself; not sharing well, not speaking kindly...etc. She can read books, color, do puzzles, or rest in bed. We tell her that she can come out whenever she is ready to play/talk nicely. This is something that has really worked. She will usually spend at least a half hour in her room, doing activities that can be difficult with Hannah around, like color with markers or use her princess things that have smaller pieces. I'll check in on her to bring her a snack, or "ooh" and "ahh" over something she just created. When she feels ready to come out of her room, she is like a whole new kid. She is happy, more calm, apologizes on her own, and plays with her sister without frustration.
It's also something that is great for me, too. When you're at home all day and you feel like one more temper tantrum might just put you over the edge, this "alone time" is the perfect little break needed from the chaos of arguing siblings. It allows things in the house to quiet down, Hannah gets the attention she wants, and Lyla gets the alone time she needs. We can all come back together with more patience and understanding, and move on with the rest of our day.
It prevents a lot of yelling on my part, and hair-pulling on theirs.
So as much as I may use the word "no", raise my voice, and use time-outs, we seem to be making it work for our family just fine.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)