Tough Times

It goes without saying that seeing your child in pain is one of the worst things to witness, especially when a quick kiss from mommy doesn't fix the problem.

Hannah is without a doubt one of the happiest, best babies I've ever seen; so smiley, super cuddly, go-with-the-flow...that is, until her belly starts to hurt. Then my poor baby girl is so uncomfortable that she practically turns blue from crying. As much as it hurts her, it may even hurt me more to have to sit back and watch her in such pain & know there is little I can do to comfort her.

Dating back to when she was 2 weeks old, we had our suspicions that her stomach bothered her. This was when the doctor had advised me to cut dairy out of my diet since I'm nursing. It seemed to do the trick for a while, but she suddenly became uncomfortable again. So, all soy products went out the door for me. This barely made a difference, if any.

5 months later with several doctors visits and 2 trips to the ER and we still have no answers as to why our baby girl has this discomfort. It's exhausting to get through what we call a "sad belly day"; both because its hard to watch and because she doesn't let you put her down on these days. She's especially clingy to me when she's not feeling well, which can be difficult when Eric wants to spend time with her and all she does is cry for me.

It's also hard when Lyla needs me. Whether its needing help with a task or just wanting to read books or do a puzzle, it's almost impossible on days where keeping Hannah happy means constant walking and bouncing. I've tried to include Lyla by playing "marching band" around the house where we shake shakers and sing songs as we march around. But I feel terrible telling her that mommy can't do something because Hannah needs me. Ive always said that when moms get pregnant, they should grow an extra set of arms along with their big belly.

Whatever is going on with Hannah's belly is also effecting her sleep. For the last couple of months (where her belly as been at its worst) she has only been sleeping a max of 2 hours at a time, and waking as often as every 20 minutes. Needless to say, it's exhausting.

We have an appointment with the GI specialist next week and all I can do is pray for some explanation. I like to be as organic as possible when it comes to my kids; only giving them medicine when it's extremely necessary, strictly sticking to breast milk instead of formula for the first year, etc - but seeing hannah this way makes me hope that maybe there IS some medicine out there to help her, or that adding formula will help (although doctors doubt it since breast milk is specifically formulated for her)

All I want is an answer. I am going to be extremely upset if we leave that appointment next week with no answers and I have to continue to watch my baby girl go through spurts if such discomfort. It's been one of the most difficult things I've had to go through as a mother.

Letters to Lyla and Hannah

When Lyla was born, I started one of those "Baby's First Year" calendars for her, and I quite literally wrote down everything; from people who visited to each and every new food tasted. Her baby photo album was quickly turned into a scrap book when I decided to cut and paste cards people had given her and add them to the photos, instead of keeping them all in an old shoe box that would sit in a basement and looked at once in a blue moon. However, since she turned one, and the big 1st birthday photos were printed and photo-albumed, I've been slacking.

With all the photos I take and upload to our computer and Facebook albums, I keep thinking "they're there when I need them" ...and now 2 years have gone by without the print out of a single picture to add to her albums. It's even worse with Hannah. I started her baby book the same way I did Lyla's: pee stick (yes, I kept them), ultra sounds and growing belly pictures. However, no actual pictures of Hannah have been printed/added since her arrival! How terrible is that? I immediately upload them all to Facebook and email them to our digital frame, as well as friends and family members, but my laziness has taken over when it comes to taking to trip to the store with my sim card.

So I decided I'll do something new. Something that requires my efforts once a year, instead of every new milestone. (And I'm sure I'll eventually get to printing out the years worth of pictures I need...)

Every year I am going to write each of my girls a letter. A letter that will talk about who they are, favorite toys, acitivites & foods, who their friends are, what we spend our days doing, and even the struggles we may be having (ie. Lyla wanting to wear underwear through the night but unable to keep them dry). This way, each year they can see how they've grown, what new milestones they've reached, and always be able to look back on these younger years. I'd also like to include a photo from the time the letter is written, and maybe a picture they colored or additional photo of a favorite outfit or item. I think that as the years go by and these letters and photos add up, it will tell a cool-tale of my girls and how they've become the people they have. It will also be fun to check in with last years letter to see what new things they are able to do as "big girls" that they may have struggled with the year before.

My plan is to try and write them around the same time each year - whether that be near the holidays to talk about all the excitement and what they may be asking for, or closer to their birthdays to mark the new year. Either way I think the girls will enjoy having them, and I know I will love looking back and re-reading them. You never know the things you may forget! I want to remember every moment with these little girls of mine <3

Adorable, memorable moment

Yesterday, Lyla and I (along with Hannah and Petey in tow) went walking around the neighborhood collecting the freshly fallen leaves. As we strolled along, she looked up at me and said "Know what mom? I could call Eric 'daddy', because he is my daddy, but I'm going to keep calling him Eric because he's always been my Eric."

Gush.

I love the innocence of the 3 year old mind, and I love hearing her little views of the world. She's right, he has always been her Eric. Well, technically, first he was "Era" and then "Eca" - but I think it's funny how she recognizes him as her daddy, but feels an attachment to calling him Eric. Almost like it's a special thing between them, that only they share, because she finished this conversation by saying "Hannah can just call him daddy, but he's my Eric"

<3

Feeling Helpless

Lyla has given us a rough few days this week, and admittedly, I've felt a bit helpless. I'm not sure if it's the "normal" 3 year old behavior, her getting sick, or learning lovely new things from other kids at school - but it's been tough.

Yesterday was the worst.

Now, I can deal with the usual toddler-defiance-power struggle-game. But yesterday was different; talking back at every chance, demanding things "NOW", sheer panic when she didn't get her way, and ear curdling screams. And I exhausted every parenting tactic there is. I calmly talked. I gave chances. I gave warnings. I took away dessert. I raised my voice. I sat and rocked with her. I walked away. Nothing was helping, nothing was calming her down. As easy as it would have been to give in and give her dessert before dinner or let her watch more TV - what would that teach her? Nothing. I didn't want her to think that this behavior was okay or would get her what she wanted, and so, I let her scream. I let her be angry. I stuck to my word.

She eventually settled down, fell asleep, and woke up my loving, happy toddler again. But once dinner time approached and she asked about dessert, she was reminded that because of her previous behavior, she was not allowed a dessert. Now, being 3 is all about the power. She wants to be in control, and panics when she's not. So, in my best attempt to distract her, I kindly stated that she could not have dessert after dinner, but tomorrow would be a better day. "What do you think you'll have for dessert tomorrow, Ly?" I asked.

Cue round 2.

"NO! NOT tomorrow! I want dessert NOW! NOWWWWWW!" And there go my ear drums. Once again, I exhaust all methods - calmly explaining, attempting to distract, placing her in time out while she calms down....still nothing. She screamed so loud and so much that I was sure she would come out of it with no voice. I can't imagine what our neighbors were thinking. I felt completely and utterly helpless. I had to stick to my word and show Lyla that she was indeed not the boss, and that this was not okay behavior - but the feeling of not being able to calm my daughter down was the worst. I finally placed her in her room, shut the door, looked at Eric and put my hands up in defeat. For the first time in my journey of motherhood, I didn't know what to do.

I don't know what has changed. Normally, I can talk Lyla down from any tantrum. Even when reminding her of something less favorable, like getting dessert taken away, she usually (so adorably) responds with "I'll just have one tomorrow! Maybe some chocolate! Mmmm!" But this week, her responses are totally out of control, and I feel terrible that I can't help her feel better. She seems to be having a real hard time expressing herself and using her words when something isn't going the way she wants. Even the other day when she was being dropped off after a birthday party, Eric was putting her shoes on so she could walk into the house, and she didn't want them on. So, she started kicking him and melted into a giant puddle of tears and flailing extremities. Hello? Words? "I don't want my shoes on, Eric" would have sufficed - which she normally responds with! I have no idea why the sudden change, and even worse, no idea how to prevent or help it.

Throughout the day, I am constantly giving her positive reinforcement. Anytime she uses manners, says something politely, uses her words instead of actions, does something kind...I always am aware of it and sure to praise her for it. Especially lately, when I feel I'm doing more scolding than praising. Even when talking to Hannah, I usually "chat" about Lyla, saying things like "you have the BEST big sister who is doing a really good job eating her lunch!" Whatever Lyla is going through, I want her to know that Eric and I notice all the good, too.

But this new demanding, overly emotional, defiant Lyla is something we're struggling with. It reared it's ugly face again this morning when she woke up and wanted to watch TV; something we didn't have time to do because it was a school morning. I reminded her of this, and told her that we'd have plenty of time to watch a show later, and maybe even make a special snack to eat, too. But no. "NOW NOW NOW". Luckily, the waterworks managed to stay at bay, but I cringed a little inside at the site of my sweet girl acting, well, not so sweet.

Something's up. She's even been crying when I drop her off at school which she's never done. I made her teachers aware of her new behavior at home, in hopes that they may keep an extra eye on her at school to indicate whether or not something is going on there. Eric and I have talked about trying to give her even more attention at home, in hopes that this all may just be a cry for more.

But this sucks. And I feel helpless. And don't know what to do, for the first time in 3 years.

Mom Really Loses It

The other night, I did something that I hated, and that I rarely ever do; I yelled at Lyla. Sure, she was having her hundredth "3-year-old moment" of the day, and my patience was on E, but what I really hated was how out of control I felt, when normally I am much more capable of keeping my cool.

It was late, already after her bedtime. Eric and I just put Hannah down and were getting the materials together for a special night-time-craft to do with Lyla. It involved the insides of a glow stick, which can be toxic, and Lyla was frustrated that she could not participate in this part of the craft. And she melted, with ear curdling screams. After a particularly rough day with several of these "moments", I had had enough. I got face to face with my toddler, and told her to knock it off. Not only was she frustrated, but so was I, because all I wanted to do was something special with her after a long day. The fear on her face pierced my heart - she's not used to me raising my voice in such a harsh, firm way. More waterworks came from this.

It's not so much that I yelled - I know parents are allowed to be firm with their kids. It's the overwhelming feeling I had at how little patience I had for her behavior. KNOCK IT OFF; those 3 words, words I usually use on the dog, came bubbling up like a volcano ready to erupt. I felt like I had failed as a parent, because I couldn't control it. "Word vomit", as Mean Girls would have called it. If I felt this way, why didn't I just walk away? Go in the other room, take a few deep breaths; just remove myself from the overwhelming feeling I had? I was powerless to my exhaustion, frustration, and overwhelmingly low patience.

I am especially aware of this out of control feeling since I have been practicing more mindfulness and staying present. Those 3 harsh words made me feel like I took several steps backwards. No mama-zen in that moment, that's for sure. I felt like I had undone my entire day; my day of staying calm, my day of explaining Lyla's frustration to her, my day of hard work and patience - it was all gone in my harsh tone. knock it off. Now not only was I frustrated with Lyla, but I was upset with myself.

Eric thought this was actually a good moment - he says it showed that I was human. He said that with the abundance of patience I have, the frustration is bound to build up and come out eventually. True, I guess. And I also guess that I can't be the super-mom I wish to be 100% of the time. In the perfect world, every frustration that came from my toddler's defiance and temper tantrums could be cured through exercise, yoga, and breathing techniques (and maybe the occasional glass of wine) - but the world's not perfect and neither am I.

Needless to say, life went on. We both calmed down, kissed, and made up. We did our craft, and had fun dancing in the dark wrapped in left over glow sticks. I always say that every argument Eric and I get in, we come out stronger. Well, that sort of applies here, too; ever since my "word vomit" episode, I have made a more sincere effort to stay calm, and to take every terrible 3 year old moment for what it is - just that, a 3 year old moment.

Good Bye?

Since Ben began contacting us again a few weeks ago, we've been battling back and forth about the best way to go about our mess. The mess being that he hasn't seen Lyla in 18 months, me wanting full custody, and him lowering his child support. And what a mess it is.

Initially, he wanted to start seeing Lyla again - minimally. He had the idea to take her to dinner once a month in order to re-establish a relationship, and just have her aware of his existence, basically. But as usual, Ben changed his mind.

He was upset that I wanted full custody. I explained to him that it had nothing to do with me being a bitch, as he would put it, but that he knows nothing about Lyla. If he was ever contacted in a medical emergency, he would have no idea of her allergies, medications, even her height and weight. Shared custody means that both parents are involved in the child's life and able to make legal and medical decisions for her. This is not the case. I chose her doctor, her school, everything. When I asked Ben to tell me one thing about her, his response was "she's blond" ...good one.

From here, he insisted on giving up his rights to her. He said he'd rather have nothing to do with us than to not have any legal custody of her - even though it would not effect his visitation with her whatsoever (if he chose to see her again). He said he'd rather pay nothing (for child support), sign her over, and that she'd be fully mine.

How extreme. What kind of father would rather sign over the rights to his daughter and never see her again, instead of agreeing to giving her mother full custody but still have the ability to see her and be a part of her life?

He then went on to further "rationalize" his decision. He just started a new job and taking college classes. Both part time for now, but will be full time next year. He said he simply would not have the time or money to see her for the next few years, and said he'd rather sign her over than confuse her by starting over when he "had time" or by swinging in and out every few months.

The problem? Signing over a child is easier said than done. Even if both Ben and I agree to it, a judge has to approve the decision, which is a tough thing to get done. I would have to prove that I could fully support Lyla without the help of child support, and also prove a healthy, steady living environment for her. Both which we have, but not enough in a judge's eye. Ideally, when I am working, when Eric and I have been married for another year or two, and the longer Ben goes without seeing her - this is when a judge will be likely to allow Ben to surrender his rights.

So, for now, mainly to keep Ben at bay, we're planning to lower my child support to a more affordable rate for him, and ride out the next couple of years until we would be able to have Lyla to ourselves. What blows my mind is that this is more or less Ben's idea. Before this settlement was made, he had agreed to give me full custody if I lowered child support to practically pennies per week. And now, he'd rather lower it to what the state requires him to pay, just to ride it out and eventually give her up entirely, instead of continuing to pay and see her.

My mind goes in all different directions when it comes to how I feel about all this. On one hand, I am sad. I am sad for Lyla; I will have to one day explain how her father didn't have time to be in her life. I find it sad that a father can let anything come between him and a relationship with his child. But on the other hand, I am happy. I'm happy for our family - because that's just what we can be. We won't have to share Lyla on weekends, holidays or birthdays. She won't have to grow up with two daddy's. But I'm also scared. I'm scared of what she will think when she's older, about the questions she'll ask, and about how it will effect her in the end.

I'm also scared that after all the hoops we've jumped through these past 3 years with Ben, that he will change his mind yet again and keep us jumping. He's so impulsive and all over the place, you never know what his next move will be.

For now, all I can know is that I'm doing what's best for Lyla. Anyone who says they don't have time to share with my precious toddler doesn't deserve to be in her life anyway. Eric and I work hard everyday to give her the things she has: her health, her manners, her playtime, her growth. I can just hope that she grows up knowing that everything I do is for her, and that one day she will understand this whole mess and know she is better off without Ben and lucky to have Eric.

Only time will tell what will happen over the next few years. All I know is that I'm tired of all the back and forth, and if he's really willing to say good-bye for good, then so are we.

Domesticated

A few weeks ago, "cooking" meant putting something frozen in the microwave, and "baking" meant boxed mixes and pre-cut cookie dough. So, when Lyla started school and I found a few extra hours on my hands, I decided to travel down the path of real, cook-book-opening, from-scratch cooking and baking.

I started slow, literally, by cooking my first few meals in the crock pot. I've cooked several now, and somehow I always manage to misread something; adding things too soon or mixing things in the wrong order. Luckily, all of my trial-run-meals have been edible, and dare I say, good. But beyond breaking out of our same-old food rut, it gives me a sense of pride that I am actually preparing and cooking new meals for my little family. Even though I've been a mom for over 3 years and a wife for just over 1, somehow something as small as cooking makes me feel like these things for the first time all over again.

There's something about the accomplishment. I wake up, pack Lyla's lunch, send her off to school, come home, chop and prepare dinner's ingredients, and spend the rest of the morning playing with my baby girl while the sweet scent of dinner simmering fills the apartment. I love the fact that my husband arrives home from a long day at work with this smell in the air. I love serving him a dinner that I made. Even more, I love following it with a fresh baked dessert - also made by yours truly. Who knew this new domestication could make me feel so accomplished in my everyday life?

It really is the little things <3

Fall

I am so excited that fall is here. The cool, crisp air, apples ready for picking, but most important - the memories to be made with my kids.

When I became pregnant with Lyla, fall was the time of year I had envisioned; little knitted hats and sweaters, being pulled in a wooden wagon through the apple fields, and arriving home to have Mommy bake a homemade pie. Well, that wasn't exactly the way it went these past few years, but I think we're finally there. Maybe it's my happiness and the fact that I'm practicing staying present, maybe it's Lyla's age and watching her excitement each time she finds an apple in the tree like it's the first one she's seen, or maybe it's the fact that for the first time in my life I've actually opened a cook book and feel capable of baking. Whatever the reason, this year feels more special than those before.

I've embarked on my new cooking adventure with Lyla by my side. She's helped me prepare and cook each meal and dessert for the last week. When we arrived home from the Keith's Farm with our bag full of apples on Saturday, Lyla helped me wash and slice each one, and poured and mixed all of our ingredients together for our crisp. I remember doing things like this with my mother - the house smelling deliciously like fall desserts. Now it's my turn to pass on this tradition with my girls.

We spent yesterday making fall decorations of leaves, apples and pumpkins. I couldn't help but get excited for another trip to Keith's for a hayride to the pumpkin patch. I'm so looking forward to painting and carving them with my big girl :) Perhaps I'll even be brave enough to make my own pie with one :-X but in the meantime, the Pumpkin Pie Yankee Candle my fabulous mother in law gave me will have to.

I'm going to make this fall season last as long as possible, cherishing each crisp-sweater-wearing day, because before I know it, it will be I-can't-put-my-arms-down coat and snow season, where I will more than likely go stir crazy in this apartment. So I'll surely be making the most of everyday; jumping in leaf piles, baking up a storm, dressing my girls in to-die-for little outfits - all the things I envisioned nearly 4 years ago are coming true. No better feeling :)

First Day of School!

As if the facebook/twitter/instagram world wasn't aware by my million posts and pictures...

I was up at 530 this morning, unable to sleep with both anxiety and excitement for my big girl's first day of preschool. I wrote her name on what seemed to be a hundred items as I packed her backpack. As I stood in the kitchen, spreading peanut butter and jelly, slicing grapes, and packing a little chocolate treat, I felt like my dad on my school mornings. How strange that this is now my role, and a role that will repeat itself for the next 15 years! 

She picked out a sparkly Hello Kitty shirt with black striped skirt and light-up sparkly sneakers to match, with the usual pigtails and clip on bow. She ate a blueberry waffle, and tucked Kitty in her bed since she's now allowed at school. She romped around the apartment for at least 30 minutes before we had to leave wearing her backpack - also Hello Kitty, and chatted with Hannah about how she is a big girl going to school today. 

We got there right at 8am. Went inside and found Lyla's picture with a hook below it to hang her sweater and backpack. We were then told to go into the bathroom and wash hands before going to play. She then had to find her name on a board, name the shape that was attached, and turn it around to show she was there. 

Then the big moment came - time for Mommy to leave. I wasn't too sure how she'd react, even though for the past 3 months I've warned her that Mommys and Daddys don't go to school with big girls like her. I gave her a big hug and kiss, told her to have fun and that I'd see her after lunch. She hugged and kissed me back, exchanged "I love you"s, and went off to play.

That's it? No melt down? Not even a single lingering look? Okay, maybe a slight lingering look as Hannah and I walked out the door, but nothing more. 

She's such a big girl now! Playing at school, making new friends, learning new things, while I'm at home with a napping baby, writing, with what I'm sure will soon be a spotless home with dinner preparing. I miss her already, but I'm so excited for her to start this new chapter in life!

Where did these 3 years go?? 

TV cut-back

Confession time: I've become one of those mothers who has fallen into the "TV babysitter" rut, and I hate myself for getting here. I used to refuse to let Lyla watch any television. Then, it was an "educational" show or two in the morning - with me sitting right next to her, interacting throughout. Then, I slowly realized how still and calm she became when watching TV, and how little she noticed me being there with her. I began to use her morning TV-time as my time; time to do the dishes, fold the laundry, take the dog out, etc. In my head, it was perfect: I was getting all of these things out of the way so we would have the whole day ahead of us without the stack of dishes or piles of laundry standing in our way. One hour of morning shows turned into 2, and even sometimes more. What I didn't realize is how much time I was missing out on with Lyla by taking this time for myself.

And, it's summer! Mornings are warm and welcoming, unlike the cold, snowy winter that lies ahead of us. What am I thinking spending 2+ hours inside cleaning every morning while my toddler sits glued to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse? I had always assumed it was Lyla who wanted the TV on first thing in the morning, but now I'm realizing that it was me, turning it on before she even asked about it. So, I put it to the test.

Yesterday, when Lyla woke up, Hannah was already awake and nursed, playing happily on the floor to the sound of her favorite lullaby CD. Lyla came to sit and coo with us on the floor, and then proceeded to take out her coloring things. What? You aren't asking to turn on the Fresh Beat Band? Really? I was shocked. In fact, when I asked what she wanted to do, expecting her to demand her morning shows, she asked to go to the playground. I checked my phone: sunny and 80 degrees. Playground? Absolutely. Maybe she was having an off day, so I did the same this morning. She waltzed out of bed at an unusually late 8am, asked for breakfast, and then to go play outside. No TV, again!

2 hours of TV every morning, give or take - that's 14 hours a week that I could spend playing with my girls and not worry about what chores need to get done. Especially when it's this easy, and not some cruel punishment to Lyla to turn off the tube. Still, we both need our downtime throughout the day since neither of us can physically run around all day everyday, so the TV still comes on; I'm just more careful about when and how long. These past 2 days, I've asked Lyla if she would like to watch a show before nap or after dinner, while I sit and nurse the baby and watch with her. I feel much better about her TV-time knowing that I'm spending that time with her, asking questions and responding along with the incredibly bubbly annoying characters. We also have a weekly movie night when Eric goes to his exercise class, where Lyla picks a Disney movie, we make popcorn, and cuddle on the couch or around Hannah on the floor. Admittedly, I will sometimes sit and fold some laundry while Beauty and the Beast grasps my toddler's attention, but I'll take that over a daily 2 hours of morning chores.

If (when) the morning comes that Lyla does ask for TV first thing, I won't hesitate to put it on. I'll just be sure to stay present and take the time to put my feet up and watch with her, instead of looking around at what I could get done. The dishes can sit in the sink for a little longer.

It may be harder on me, since the cut back on television forces me into a more active day, but no one ever said being a mom was easy, and I don't like knowing that I may have been taking an easy way out. At the end of the day, I love knowing that I took all my time and energy and put it towards my girls. They won't be little forever, and I don't want to let anymore time slip away.

Anytime throughout motherhood where I can stop, look at myself, and make room for improvement, I will always be willing to do so. I saw something I didn't like, and I changed it. It may be something small, but knowing I have this ability will help me to make bigger changes in the future, and create the best lives for my children. Who could ask for more?

Accomplished

Through my many journey's of motherhood, it's safe to say that I've accomplished a lot: I've birthed two children, I've spent sleepless nights nursing, I've done countless loads of laundry and washed hundreds of dishes, the list is endless. However, as I learn to stay present and focus on right now, at the end of the day, the word "accomplished" holds a new meaning.

Up until recently, I may have judged my day's accomplishments on how many chores I got done. I'd be proud to announce that I got to the usual dishes and laundry, but also dusted, swept, vacuumed and organized. My goal was to go to bed with an empty sink, folded clothes, toys picked up and dining room table clear - just to wake up and do it all over again. It was time for an adjustment here.

I needed to find a balance. I often found myself saying that I never have a break during the day, but this was my own fault. In the morning, when Lyla watches a few of her Disney Junior shows and Hannah is napping, I usually take that time to do the breakfast dishes, and perhaps a little dusting and sweeping, when I could be snuggled on the couch with my big girl, feet up, and resting. The same with nap time. I could use those couple of hours to nap myself, but instead I'm taking care of the lunch dishes, prepping dinner, and usually setting up a craft or activity for when Lyla wakes up. If there's any sweet silence of napping children left once my house is clean yet again, I may catch up on some reading or writing, but my mind was never at rest. That was the first thing I had to change.

I took away all the distractions. If I was nursing Hannah, I would turn the tv off, maybe put on one of my massage playlists or classical lullabies, and just stare at my baby - totally in the moment. Instead of setting Lyla up with something to do so I could tend to something else, I'll sit and do it with her, investing all of my time into her, while I let the laundry sit unfolded in the dryer for just a bit longer. It's amazing how much more time I found to just sit and play, or kick my feet up and relax, when I let the other things fall behind a bit.

All I know is that now, at the end of the day, I measure my accomplishments much differently. When I climb into bed at night and Eric and I are quietly chatting about our day, I no longer feel that the fact that the floor got mopped is what made my day great, but my ability to be patient, present, and there with my girls is. That's when I feel most accomplished and pleased with myself. And if I had a day where I lost my cool, dwelled on future happenings, or tended to other things more than I needed to, then tomorrow is another day to try harder.

Momma Zen - Inspired

"Stay Present" - it's something I've heard time and time again from friends and family members, and now yoga instructors and meditation books. The true beauty in this little piece of advice is not fathomable until you  completely allow yourself to let go, and for me, this took lots of practice. So here's where I go all earthy-crunchy on you and blog my recent zen inspirations.

Let go.
The past is done with. It cannot be changed.
The future is not here yet. You cannot predict it.
Live for today. Live for this moment. Live for you.

Staying present has lots of not all to do with self acceptance. Stop dwelling on what you didn't get done, and focus on what you did. (Even if that means you sat around on the couch all day - hey, you listened to your body, and took time to relax. Good job.) Stop comparing. You are who you are - you are no one else, you will never be anyone else. Appreciate yourself and all you do. Don't focus on what you can't change; live for right now. If you're tired, let yourself be tired. Take a rest, relax, breathe. If you're overwhelmed, accept things for what they are, and move on. There's nothing you can't make it through. You are you, beautiful, wonderful you.

Smile. Happiness is contagious.

As a mother, my day has the ability to be filled with thoughts of all the things I could be doing or should have done; it took me 3 years to learn (and I'm still learning) to put a stop to these thoughts. To be the best mother I can be is to be confident in my decisions, and pay attention to myself and my needs as well as those of my kids. Maybe we didn't make it outside to play on this beautiful summer day because I was simply too tired after staying up all night with the baby - but we did lots of crafts, read lots of stories, and laughed a whole lot. This is where I need to focus my energy - positive energy - into all the things I did do with my kids today.

The most difficult times to stay present, I find, is when we have an unexpected change in plans. Maybe Eric is stuck in traffic and arrives home an hour later than expected, after an entire day of me counting down the hours, then minutes, until he gets home so I can go for my run and get my small break in the day. My reaction isn't always so zen - but I'm trying. It's something that's out of my hands, and I have to accept it - he's getting home late. Maybe I won't have time to run that day. I can choose to dwell on this, the negative, or I can throw my hands up in defeat of the inevitable, and think "okay, now I have extra time to do another craft or read another book with Lyla".

Staying present is staying positive in the moment. Accept right now for what it is - happy or sad, stressed or relieved; whatever it is, it's in your control. You are the only person who controls you - you always have a choice in your life, your reactions, your responses. If there's nothing you can do, surrender to the moment.

It's a daily reminder, and a way to a better, stress-free life.
This is something I strive for. Something I work hard for. Something I live for.
I've found love, I've created life, and now is my time to focus on me - being confident and appreciative in all I do. Not to be defined as wife and mother, but as a person - happy inside and out.
It's a process, but one I will work at daily.
To stop. To let go.
To stay present.

First Laugh!!

Hannah laughed for the first time today while we were playing patty-cake, and it made me absolutely melt. I giggled right along with her and kept up my ridiculous high pitched mommy-voice while I choked back tears as my little baby hit one of her first little milestones.

As a second-time mom, I had this fear that all of Hannah's firsts wouldn't be as special to me as they were with Lyla, because I will have already experienced them all. Oh, but how wrong I was. That tiny giggle today sent me over the moon with glee and love for my little one, and was just as precious as it was 3 years ago.

Along with my elation came a huge sigh of relief that I didn't feel any "been there, done that" feelings, and has made me that much more excited for all the future milestones and firsts my beautiful baby Hannah will accomplish.

I have a feeling Eric and I will have a lot more patty-cake in our near future ;)

Breast-feeding

Funny how one of the most natural things is one of the most publicly frowned upon: breast feeding. I mean, I get it, a part of the female body that sexually should be kept private is suddenly whipped out at the first whimper of a baby. And I have to admit that even as a nursing mom, I can feel a bit uncomfortable when I see a mother shamelessly nursing in public without any attempt of exposure prevention. But regardless, I love(d) nursing my girls.

With Lyla, I felt more shy and embarrassed by it, since it always seemed to be feeding time when my college-sophomore friends were visiting. On top of that, I felt extremely restricted by it, since I couldn't go anywhere without the baby for more than a couple of hours before she needed to be fed again, and anything more than a glass of red wine was a no-no. But day by day I grew more comfortable with nursing, and learned to love the bonding it allowed me to have with my baby girl.

With Hannah, I knew what to expect, and was much more at ease and comfortable with round two. I'm not quite the public-boob-whipper-outter, because I use a shawl anytime we're out or have company, but I'm enjoying the experience much more this time around. I love knowing that I am giving my daughter the best healthy start to life. Everything I eat, she eats, and therefore I am taking the best care of myself, too. It's an indescribable feeling to know that my body is making the food that is helping her grow in leaps and bounds. I can comfort her both by holding and feeding her at the same time, skin to skin, her eyes locked on mine. It's something no one else can give her, and with her refusing to take expressed milk from a bottle, it can be difficult at times always being the one who needs to stop and feed her every few hours, but it's a difficulty that is rewarding. It's also an excuse to sit down, put my feet up, and relax for a half hour. There's never any prep; no bottles to wash, no heating to be done, no worry of packing enough for an outting...it's amazing.

It's also a crazy feeling to know that I'm using my body the way it was intended to be used. I've created, carried, and birthed 2 beautiful girls, and continued to use my body to feed them, nourish them, and comfort them. Knowing that I only plan to nurse Hannah for a year, and because I know how fast that will go by, I'm appreciative of this bonding time I have with her. I was relieved when Lyla weaned herself at 12 months, but with our plan to have no more children, I feel I'll actually be sad when Hannah has moved onto cow's milk.

I'm a breast feeding mom, and proud of it.

Simply Motherhood

Motherhood is amazing. Simple as that. Everyday I am amazed by my girls, and it truly never gets old. Now, having two, I find that one helps me appreciate the other even more; I'm constantly in disbelief that Lyla was ever as small as Hannah, and that Hannah will one day be able to walk and talk like her big sister. Being a mother is the hardest, yet most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life, and I'm sure it can't be topped.

Today, I was staring down at my baby girl, and felt overwhelmed with emotion. "We made her", I always think. She's always staring up at me with her bright blue eyes and long lashes, smiling at recognition of "mommy" - I'm her mommy.  Eric and I will be the ones to teach her everything she will know for the first few years of her life. What power. It's incredible how those two little pink lines and blurry ultrasound pictures suddenly turns into this little being, our little being, our daughter, who will grow and laugh and play.

And Lyla, who seems to grow smarter and bigger everyday. She starts preschool in a matter of days! I remember talking about the "school-age" when she was a baby, and it seemed so far away. To think that it's now here is yet another reminder of just how fast time goes by, and how quickly they grow up. We taught her to walk and talk, colors and shapes, letters and art, and now she will have a new teacher, make new friends, and open a whole new world of experiences.

I feel as if one chapter of my early motherhood has come to a close, with Lyla starting school. And yet another is just beginning - with Hannah. She knows nothing of this world but eating, sleeping and pooping, and we'll be the ones to teach her all the rest. As my big girl begins to learn from a new teacher at school, I look forward to spending my days repeatedly pointing to Hannah's nose, playing peekaboo, and singing ridiculous songs. "One down, one to go", I feel sometimes, but I know when all is said and done, I will be rewarded with two beautiful, healthy, smart children.

I have two kids. This is still amazing to me. Two!? Two. Awesome.

Lyla's Vacation

I'll admit it - Lyla's been really tough lately. I'm not sure if it's the reality of Hannah's permanency, or just another stage in toddlerhood, but it's been difficult. Very little can be done without a wild meltdown; even Eric was just saying how he hasn't even been able to play with her these past couple of weeks because if he does something silly to make her laugh, like wear her much-too-small-sunglasses, she goes into the "those are MINE and I want them" bossiness. There's no avoiding it, because at some point in the day, one thing or another doesn't go exactly her way, and she melts. "WELCOME TO '3'" everyone with kids tells me. It makes me sad it some strange way; both because I feel like I'm losing the giggly toddler I once had, and also because I know it's a part of her growing up. And naturally, because I'm lil' ol' sensitive me, I blame myself for her reactions. Maybe it's because Eric and I have grown less tolerant of her behavior lately? Maybe it really is because of Hannah? Maybe she's receiving much less attention than I realize? Whatever it is, I feel like I have tried everything from staying cool as a cucumber during the worst of temper tantrums, to raising my voice and having consequences for each "naughty" moment - like taking away a dessert or some TV time. In some way I almost feel like I am failing as a parent because she is so unbelievably sensitive and constantly getting so worked up and upset over things, and I feel so helpless when I can't prevent them or talk her down quickly. When she's happy she is the sweetest little girl, always thinking of others and talks in this teeny high pitched little voice that just makes me melt. So I feel truly sad that she's been so tough lately.

With that said, for her birthday she wanted to go on a vacation to Maine with my mom, and for months I put it off because I didn't want to be away from her. Aside from our honeymoon, I've never spent more than one night away from her. I especially didn't want her going before Hannah was born because I was determined to suck up as much one-on-one time as I could, knowing I'd never get that back. So I decided that after her birthday would be a good time to go; I would have spent the weekend celebrating and spending time with her, and then she could go have a few days away with Grammy before Eric, Hannah and I join her. And boy, the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

The weekend went really well; 2 birthday parties and a sleepover with my 3 nieces made for a hectic, but fun, couple of days. Lyla - between meltdowns - had a blast running around with friends and opening presents. But by the time it was all said and done, no nap and a sugar crash was the cause for one cranky birthday girl. My mother was contemplating leaving for Maine in the morning instead of last night, and I was pushing for the earlier leave. I was exhausted, and after a day of giving all my energy to her birthday festivities and calmly dealing with each small meltdown throughout the day, I was ready for my break. On top of feeling this way, of course, I felt guilty for feeling this way. Shouldn't a good mother always want to be with her child 100% of the time, good or bad? Am I the worst person ever for actually looking forward to the few days I'll have to myself (and Hannah and Eric, of course)? Will people think I'm horrible for even letting my 3 year old go on a 3 hour road trip to Maine without me for nearly a week? Packing her bag last night was definitely bittersweet.

I held her for the longest time before she left, gave her hundreds of kisses and talked about all the fun she'd have on the beach, collecting sea glass and shells. And of course, I cried when she left because even as difficult as she'd been, I missed her immediately. Hell, I miss her when she naps, so I must have known that as nice as the break will be, that it's going to be equally as tough. This morning was too weird. I got to go back to sleep at 6am when Hannah settled back down after a feeding, instead of the usual one-goes-down, one-gets-up. When I did wake up, it was to a coo-ing baby instead of "mommy I'm ready to come out!" over the monitor. It was strange to be making breakfast to the sounds of music instead of Mickey Mouse in the background. Without having to prepare and feed her breakfast and follow requests of "more this or that please" - I didn't know what to do with myself. I played with Hannah when she was awake as usual, but then when she went down for her first nap (a time usually spent doing a craft or reading books with Ly) I felt so bored! I folded the laundry, cleaned up a bit, and sat down to write this blog; probably the longest one I've written in a while since I wasn't squeezing it in during lunch or nap time. I realized all that I could do: I could finish the book I started 2 months ago, I could do a home-work out before my run later, I can finally work on Hannah's baby book...oh the possibilities.

I'm trying to let go of the guilt I have for allowing Lyla's little vacation, so that I can actually relax and enjoy mine. Hannah and Eric probably won't know what to do with all the extra attention I'll have to give this week. I think it will be good for Lyla to get away, too; she deserves some one-on-one time with her Grammy who is known for giving her even a little too much attention, which she could really use right now. But of course, I am counting down the days until we can pack up and join them, because I already cannot wait to kiss her squishy cheeks and hear that little voice. Hopefully I can recharge my mom-pateince battery and feel refreshed and ready to tackle the 3 year old tantrums with new energy come Friday.

<3

Family Importance

Growing up, big holidays were always something I looked forward to because it meant seeing our extended family. My dad's side joined us at his place for Thanksgiving, and on Christmas Eve there was always a big gathering with my mom's family. It was great to catch up with cousins, aunts and uncles who we may only see that one day a year. Unfortunately, after my Nana's passing, my mother's family fell into several arguments and the yearly gathering came to an end, and Thanksgiving at my dad's slowly decreased to our immediate family and significant others. Although I still look forward to this time with family, it is disappointing to see how families can stray from one another.

Now being married with 2 children, I want to make holidays as special for my kids as it was for me when I was growing up - and I don't mean showering them with gifts (although there's a fair share of that, too), but mainly to stress the importance of family. In a perfect world, there would be one giant holiday gathering between our two families where we had the opportunity to see everyone all at once. In the real world, this have been proven impossible; both because of the size of our families, and also because of unresolved arguments, divorce, and hostility between several family members. It was clear to me and Eric back when we were planning our wedding that nothing involving out families would be easy. Someone won't show because of the presence of another, one will feel left out when plans are made elsewhere; it makes even a small family dinner nearly impossible. Planning birthday parties and baptisms has been a struggle, and major holidays? The worst.

Holidays for Eric and I means to multiply by 4. One gathering with his moms side, one with his dad, off to Worcester to my dad's, and then to Maine for my mom. Although it keeps us busy, quite frankly it sucks. This year, playing the "newborn" card, I claimed Christmas. I'm not driving 4 different places with a toddler, newborn, and dog - if you want to see us on Christmas you're coming here. Lucky for me, my parents don't have an issue spending holidays together, especially when neither of them are hosting. But each year, I miss the excitement I used to have to see the extended family all together.

Someday when we own a much bigger home, I would love to be the bigger person in all of this family drama and host the annual holiday party. Unfortunately, I'm sure one person or another won't attend because of reasons previously listed, but who knows what will happen over the next few years - hopefully things will find a way to settle down. Even when Lyla's father and I were in contact, I had proposed the idea of having one joined holiday a year (even something minor, like Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day); it was, at the time, important to me to have Lyla see that Ben and I could get along as her parents, even though we were not together. Especially if we had both married and had children: those are Lyla's siblings, and I thought it would be great for her to be with all of her siblings and both sets of parents one day out of the year. Now, with him not seeing her for over a year, this isn't a concern of mine, but who knows what can happen down the road.

Having children really opened my eyes to family importance, and made me look back and appreciate all the times I did have with my family. I can only hope that we will find a balance with our "4 families" and that holidays will one day settle down and be a bit easier - right now it feels like we are pulled in all directions, and someone is always left hurt or left out. We can't control what goes on in our family, but I can make sure that we, myself, Eric, Lyla and Hannah, stay close and maintain the best relationships with each other. You only want the best for your kids, and family is at the top of the list.

Stop & Appreciate

Today was the first day that Hannah was really reacting to me & Lyla with coos and smiles, and it made me feel a sudden stronger connection to my 7 week old. Now that she's beginning to recognize that I am mommy, and smile when I catch her eye or coo as I babble like an idiot, the bonding has gone to a totally different level than just nursing and diaper changes.

With Hannah being my 2nd daughter, I felt in some ways that it took a bit longer to have that true bonding feeling. She arrived, and I obviously loved her immediately, but now I also had Lyla to worry about. Instead of spending all my time holding and staring at my new baby, I felt I was just going through the motions in order to survive, and put her down any chance I had to give Lyla some much needed attention - and with Lyla's sensitivity at an all time high, she needed it more than ever. Luckily, with Hannah only crying when she's hungry or tired, and sleeping all the rest of the time, I was able to give Lyla the mommy-time she needed, but I couldn't help but feel guilty that Hannah wasn't getting the same newborn attention as her sister once had.

Now that Hannah has been here for 7 weeks, Lyla has adjusted to having a bit less attention, and has stepped up as a big sister. With Hannah having longer stretches of being awake, Lyla and I have spent hours on the floor singing songs, practicing sign language, and interacting with little Hannah - the perfect way to spend time with both of my girls together. I'm starting to feel less like I'm just going through the motions and more like I'm bonding and appreciating this time.

From the moment I became pregnant with Lyla, everyone told me to stop and appreciate: appreciate being pregnant because you won't ever get this rest again, appreciate the newborn stage because soon they'll be walking and talking, appreciate the toddler phase because they'll be teenagers before you know it. I've heard that this is even more-so with the 2nd baby; that it goes by that much faster. I'm glad that I'm able to now take the time to stop and enjoy my girls. I stare a little longer, hold a little tighter, and appreciating every day watching them grow. It really does go by too fast.

The 3 Year Old

My brother had always warned me that the 3 year old was to be feared more than the terrible 2's - and now I believe him. Combine the temper tantrums of a 2 year old with the ability to be defiant and talk back, and, voila! You have a 3 year old.

I used to like to consider myself the cool-calm-collected mother who dealt with these moments with ease and relaxation. Now? I go back and forth between being totally agitated and quick to point in the direction of the "time out"chair, to feeling guilty about partially being the reason for the sudden outbursts (cough, arrival of Hannah, cough) and babying the situation. And I feel terrible about both.

As a mother, you never feel like what you're doing is enough. You are your worst critic, which is cliche, but so true. Instead of looking at the good in both situations, I pick them apart to point out areas that need improvement. When I'm disciplining Lyla by showing consequences for her poor behavior, I feel I'm being too harsh, and I'll go back to blaming the big change of Hannah for the way she's acting - leaving me feeling guilty. And when I exert all of my energy into explaining over and over again why she may be upset or frustrated, I feel I'm being too easy, letting her get away with things, and therefore not teaching her right from wrong. Constant mind game. I never feel fully accepting of the way I choose to handle things, because I feel it always coulda-shoula gone another way. I've yet to find a comfortable balance of toddler-explanation and discipline. However, I'm quick to be the one to baby when Eric steps in to discipline, constantly saying things like "she's only 3" constantly. I think with Eric acting more like "bad cop" I feel like I always should be "good cop" and make myself feel terrible in moments where I lose my cool.

Lyla has now entered the "FINE!" and "OKAY!" stage. (Isn't this supposed to happen when they're 13, not 3?) I feel like I'm losing my sweet, well mannered toddler. But then I'm reminded of how young she is when her response to anything negative is a floor-hitting meltdown. I'm at that point in motherhood where you can't win (also something I thought was years away); if I try and surprise her with breakfast before she wakes up, she's upset that she didn't get to tell me what she wanted for breakfast. Even if I pick something up off the floor and throw it away, it's "no, I wanted to throw that away!" ...really? It's taken all of my energy to remind myself that it's the age; a phase that will pass, and that's also likely escalated with the addition of her sister and more limited mommy-time. Between trying to stay calm through the constant sensitivity and power struggle with Lyla, and nursing and coo-ing with Hannah, I'm one exhausted mother come bedtime. And have some how still found the energy to exercise everyday; probably because if I didn't I'd want to rip my hair out.

But some things are getting easier as Lyla approaches 3: she's much more independent. She's totally content and happy watching a TV program, doing a puzzle, looking through books, or doing a craft on her own. I used to feel guilty for every moment I wasn't physically on the floor playing with her, but now with Hannah's needs it's nearly impossible to give Lyla my 100% - which I'm slowly realizing is okay, and that I am human, not super mom. Lyla's also been a big help with the baby - getting diapers and burp rags when needed, holding and playing with her, and although it won't have any sort of impact until later, she's started to teach her sign language.

So even though 3 has proven to be more tough and frustrating than 2, I wouldn't change the age difference between my kids for anything, and now it's just a countdown to see what 4 brings ;)

Opinions opinions...

If it's one thing I've learned in my journey through motherhood (thus far), it's to trust your own instincts. Everyone is going to have their own opinions on raising children, but only you know your child, and their tendencies, needs, and wants. Not to mention, every child is different, and therefore no one-way is more efficient or better than another; whatever works for your child is best - not what your mother, best friend, or sometimes even doctor may think.

Take my girls for example - so far they have been total opposites. Although born at almost exactly the same weight and full term, Lyla gained weight at a slow but steady pace, and now there's Hannah who at 1 month is already nearing 10lbs - a weight that Lyla didn't hit until month 2. Lyla slept miserably at first and gradually got better (and then worse again), and Hannah started off sleeping 5 hour chunks at night, and is now waking anywhere from every half hour to every 2 hours. My girls have different needs, and although I've done this before, my parenting methods are forced to change from Lyla to Hannah to accommodate these needs.

Even the 2 different pediatricians I've had have varied opinions. Lyla's doctor was a fan of the "never wake a sleeping baby" method, where Hannah's doctor has advised us to keep her awake during the day as often as possible so she'll sleep better at night. There are some who say the more sleep they get during the day, the less they will sleep at night, and then there are others who believe that the more you force them to stay awake, the more over-tired they will become and have an even harder time falling and staying asleep come bedtime.

And then there's the feeding opinions. Do you nurse your baby on demand or try and formulate a feeding schedule? Some say if you nurse at every whimper, you're teaching your baby to eat for comfort instead of when they're actually hungry, which creates poor eating habits for later in life. Where others say that the more you feed them during the day, the more satisfied they will be come night time and the better sleep they will have with little need to wake every hour or two to nurse.

Opinions, opinions, opinions...

Now one month in to being a mother of 2, I can say that I've tried the back and forth of each of these opinions, and all I can say is that I do what I need to in order to survive - yes, we're in survival mode over here. I try not to let Hannah nap more than 2 hours at a time during the day, which is something I picked up from her cues, since she likes to eat every 2 hours. I'll keep her awake as long as she'll tolerate it, but if she's tired, I don't force her to stay awake - especially if she's fussy. What am I, crazy? I'll take a napping, tired baby over a forced-awake-fussy one, thank you. I try to keep her to a nursing schedule during the day, but at night if she wants to eat every 10 minutes I'm all for it- whatever puts her back to sleep, I'm game.

I can't say that I don't appreciate a little "advice" or opinion-sharing here and there, though, because a lot of the things I've tried with my kids have come from other mothers. But if someone tells me I'm doing something wrong because it's not what worked for their child, then I'd rather go without the sharing. I've definitely been one to share my experiences in motherhood with other new or expecting moms, because when I was pregnant I talked to every mom I could find about their motherhood findings, but I try to do so in a "this worked for me, it may or may not work for you" way, verses "this is the only way to do it". I've found that a lot of mothers are strongly opinionated in that their way is the only, and right way, and I suppose if you've been successful in the feeding-sleeping-happybaby department then you have a right to feel that way, but they tend to forget that all babies are different. No matter how perfect you believe your parenting may be, it doesn't mean it will be for someone else. Share away, mommies, but respect other mothers' ways, too :)

I'm confident that as a mother, I am meeting my children's needs - needs that are different from anyone else's kids, and are met with different methods than other mothers may use. I am just lucky that I have 2 healthy, beautiful girls, and that I'm continuing to learn about each of them every day, and how to care for and love them more efficiently as I do. Motherhood is amazing, even with everyone thinking there's a better way to do things - I trust me :)