Today was the first day that Hannah was really reacting to me & Lyla with coos and smiles, and it made me feel a sudden stronger connection to my 7 week old. Now that she's beginning to recognize that I am mommy, and smile when I catch her eye or coo as I babble like an idiot, the bonding has gone to a totally different level than just nursing and diaper changes.
With Hannah being my 2nd daughter, I felt in some ways that it took a bit longer to have that true bonding feeling. She arrived, and I obviously loved her immediately, but now I also had Lyla to worry about. Instead of spending all my time holding and staring at my new baby, I felt I was just going through the motions in order to survive, and put her down any chance I had to give Lyla some much needed attention - and with Lyla's sensitivity at an all time high, she needed it more than ever. Luckily, with Hannah only crying when she's hungry or tired, and sleeping all the rest of the time, I was able to give Lyla the mommy-time she needed, but I couldn't help but feel guilty that Hannah wasn't getting the same newborn attention as her sister once had.
Now that Hannah has been here for 7 weeks, Lyla has adjusted to having a bit less attention, and has stepped up as a big sister. With Hannah having longer stretches of being awake, Lyla and I have spent hours on the floor singing songs, practicing sign language, and interacting with little Hannah - the perfect way to spend time with both of my girls together. I'm starting to feel less like I'm just going through the motions and more like I'm bonding and appreciating this time.
From the moment I became pregnant with Lyla, everyone told me to stop and appreciate: appreciate being pregnant because you won't ever get this rest again, appreciate the newborn stage because soon they'll be walking and talking, appreciate the toddler phase because they'll be teenagers before you know it. I've heard that this is even more-so with the 2nd baby; that it goes by that much faster. I'm glad that I'm able to now take the time to stop and enjoy my girls. I stare a little longer, hold a little tighter, and appreciating every day watching them grow. It really does go by too fast.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
The 3 Year Old
My brother had always warned me that the 3 year old was to be feared more than the terrible 2's - and now I believe him. Combine the temper tantrums of a 2 year old with the ability to be defiant and talk back, and, voila! You have a 3 year old.
I used to like to consider myself the cool-calm-collected mother who dealt with these moments with ease and relaxation. Now? I go back and forth between being totally agitated and quick to point in the direction of the "time out"chair, to feeling guilty about partially being the reason for the sudden outbursts (cough, arrival of Hannah, cough) and babying the situation. And I feel terrible about both.
As a mother, you never feel like what you're doing is enough. You are your worst critic, which is cliche, but so true. Instead of looking at the good in both situations, I pick them apart to point out areas that need improvement. When I'm disciplining Lyla by showing consequences for her poor behavior, I feel I'm being too harsh, and I'll go back to blaming the big change of Hannah for the way she's acting - leaving me feeling guilty. And when I exert all of my energy into explaining over and over again why she may be upset or frustrated, I feel I'm being too easy, letting her get away with things, and therefore not teaching her right from wrong. Constant mind game. I never feel fully accepting of the way I choose to handle things, because I feel it always coulda-shoula gone another way. I've yet to find a comfortable balance of toddler-explanation and discipline. However, I'm quick to be the one to baby when Eric steps in to discipline, constantly saying things like "she's only 3" constantly. I think with Eric acting more like "bad cop" I feel like I always should be "good cop" and make myself feel terrible in moments where I lose my cool.
Lyla has now entered the "FINE!" and "OKAY!" stage. (Isn't this supposed to happen when they're 13, not 3?) I feel like I'm losing my sweet, well mannered toddler. But then I'm reminded of how young she is when her response to anything negative is a floor-hitting meltdown. I'm at that point in motherhood where you can't win (also something I thought was years away); if I try and surprise her with breakfast before she wakes up, she's upset that she didn't get to tell me what she wanted for breakfast. Even if I pick something up off the floor and throw it away, it's "no, I wanted to throw that away!" ...really? It's taken all of my energy to remind myself that it's the age; a phase that will pass, and that's also likely escalated with the addition of her sister and more limited mommy-time. Between trying to stay calm through the constant sensitivity and power struggle with Lyla, and nursing and coo-ing with Hannah, I'm one exhausted mother come bedtime. And have some how still found the energy to exercise everyday; probably because if I didn't I'd want to rip my hair out.
But some things are getting easier as Lyla approaches 3: she's much more independent. She's totally content and happy watching a TV program, doing a puzzle, looking through books, or doing a craft on her own. I used to feel guilty for every moment I wasn't physically on the floor playing with her, but now with Hannah's needs it's nearly impossible to give Lyla my 100% - which I'm slowly realizing is okay, and that I am human, not super mom. Lyla's also been a big help with the baby - getting diapers and burp rags when needed, holding and playing with her, and although it won't have any sort of impact until later, she's started to teach her sign language.
So even though 3 has proven to be more tough and frustrating than 2, I wouldn't change the age difference between my kids for anything, and now it's just a countdown to see what 4 brings ;)
I used to like to consider myself the cool-calm-collected mother who dealt with these moments with ease and relaxation. Now? I go back and forth between being totally agitated and quick to point in the direction of the "time out"chair, to feeling guilty about partially being the reason for the sudden outbursts (cough, arrival of Hannah, cough) and babying the situation. And I feel terrible about both.
As a mother, you never feel like what you're doing is enough. You are your worst critic, which is cliche, but so true. Instead of looking at the good in both situations, I pick them apart to point out areas that need improvement. When I'm disciplining Lyla by showing consequences for her poor behavior, I feel I'm being too harsh, and I'll go back to blaming the big change of Hannah for the way she's acting - leaving me feeling guilty. And when I exert all of my energy into explaining over and over again why she may be upset or frustrated, I feel I'm being too easy, letting her get away with things, and therefore not teaching her right from wrong. Constant mind game. I never feel fully accepting of the way I choose to handle things, because I feel it always coulda-shoula gone another way. I've yet to find a comfortable balance of toddler-explanation and discipline. However, I'm quick to be the one to baby when Eric steps in to discipline, constantly saying things like "she's only 3" constantly. I think with Eric acting more like "bad cop" I feel like I always should be "good cop" and make myself feel terrible in moments where I lose my cool.
Lyla has now entered the "FINE!" and "OKAY!" stage. (Isn't this supposed to happen when they're 13, not 3?) I feel like I'm losing my sweet, well mannered toddler. But then I'm reminded of how young she is when her response to anything negative is a floor-hitting meltdown. I'm at that point in motherhood where you can't win (also something I thought was years away); if I try and surprise her with breakfast before she wakes up, she's upset that she didn't get to tell me what she wanted for breakfast. Even if I pick something up off the floor and throw it away, it's "no, I wanted to throw that away!" ...really? It's taken all of my energy to remind myself that it's the age; a phase that will pass, and that's also likely escalated with the addition of her sister and more limited mommy-time. Between trying to stay calm through the constant sensitivity and power struggle with Lyla, and nursing and coo-ing with Hannah, I'm one exhausted mother come bedtime. And have some how still found the energy to exercise everyday; probably because if I didn't I'd want to rip my hair out.
But some things are getting easier as Lyla approaches 3: she's much more independent. She's totally content and happy watching a TV program, doing a puzzle, looking through books, or doing a craft on her own. I used to feel guilty for every moment I wasn't physically on the floor playing with her, but now with Hannah's needs it's nearly impossible to give Lyla my 100% - which I'm slowly realizing is okay, and that I am human, not super mom. Lyla's also been a big help with the baby - getting diapers and burp rags when needed, holding and playing with her, and although it won't have any sort of impact until later, she's started to teach her sign language.
So even though 3 has proven to be more tough and frustrating than 2, I wouldn't change the age difference between my kids for anything, and now it's just a countdown to see what 4 brings ;)
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Opinions opinions...
If it's one thing I've learned in my journey through motherhood (thus far), it's to trust your own instincts. Everyone is going to have their own opinions on raising children, but only you know your child, and their tendencies, needs, and wants. Not to mention, every child is different, and therefore no one-way is more efficient or better than another; whatever works for your child is best - not what your mother, best friend, or sometimes even doctor may think.
Take my girls for example - so far they have been total opposites. Although born at almost exactly the same weight and full term, Lyla gained weight at a slow but steady pace, and now there's Hannah who at 1 month is already nearing 10lbs - a weight that Lyla didn't hit until month 2. Lyla slept miserably at first and gradually got better (and then worse again), and Hannah started off sleeping 5 hour chunks at night, and is now waking anywhere from every half hour to every 2 hours. My girls have different needs, and although I've done this before, my parenting methods are forced to change from Lyla to Hannah to accommodate these needs.
Even the 2 different pediatricians I've had have varied opinions. Lyla's doctor was a fan of the "never wake a sleeping baby" method, where Hannah's doctor has advised us to keep her awake during the day as often as possible so she'll sleep better at night. There are some who say the more sleep they get during the day, the less they will sleep at night, and then there are others who believe that the more you force them to stay awake, the more over-tired they will become and have an even harder time falling and staying asleep come bedtime.
And then there's the feeding opinions. Do you nurse your baby on demand or try and formulate a feeding schedule? Some say if you nurse at every whimper, you're teaching your baby to eat for comfort instead of when they're actually hungry, which creates poor eating habits for later in life. Where others say that the more you feed them during the day, the more satisfied they will be come night time and the better sleep they will have with little need to wake every hour or two to nurse.
Opinions, opinions, opinions...
Now one month in to being a mother of 2, I can say that I've tried the back and forth of each of these opinions, and all I can say is that I do what I need to in order to survive - yes, we're in survival mode over here. I try not to let Hannah nap more than 2 hours at a time during the day, which is something I picked up from her cues, since she likes to eat every 2 hours. I'll keep her awake as long as she'll tolerate it, but if she's tired, I don't force her to stay awake - especially if she's fussy. What am I, crazy? I'll take a napping, tired baby over a forced-awake-fussy one, thank you. I try to keep her to a nursing schedule during the day, but at night if she wants to eat every 10 minutes I'm all for it- whatever puts her back to sleep, I'm game.
I can't say that I don't appreciate a little "advice" or opinion-sharing here and there, though, because a lot of the things I've tried with my kids have come from other mothers. But if someone tells me I'm doing something wrong because it's not what worked for their child, then I'd rather go without the sharing. I've definitely been one to share my experiences in motherhood with other new or expecting moms, because when I was pregnant I talked to every mom I could find about their motherhood findings, but I try to do so in a "this worked for me, it may or may not work for you" way, verses "this is the only way to do it". I've found that a lot of mothers are strongly opinionated in that their way is the only, and right way, and I suppose if you've been successful in the feeding-sleeping-happybaby department then you have a right to feel that way, but they tend to forget that all babies are different. No matter how perfect you believe your parenting may be, it doesn't mean it will be for someone else. Share away, mommies, but respect other mothers' ways, too :)
I'm confident that as a mother, I am meeting my children's needs - needs that are different from anyone else's kids, and are met with different methods than other mothers may use. I am just lucky that I have 2 healthy, beautiful girls, and that I'm continuing to learn about each of them every day, and how to care for and love them more efficiently as I do. Motherhood is amazing, even with everyone thinking there's a better way to do things - I trust me :)
Take my girls for example - so far they have been total opposites. Although born at almost exactly the same weight and full term, Lyla gained weight at a slow but steady pace, and now there's Hannah who at 1 month is already nearing 10lbs - a weight that Lyla didn't hit until month 2. Lyla slept miserably at first and gradually got better (and then worse again), and Hannah started off sleeping 5 hour chunks at night, and is now waking anywhere from every half hour to every 2 hours. My girls have different needs, and although I've done this before, my parenting methods are forced to change from Lyla to Hannah to accommodate these needs.
Even the 2 different pediatricians I've had have varied opinions. Lyla's doctor was a fan of the "never wake a sleeping baby" method, where Hannah's doctor has advised us to keep her awake during the day as often as possible so she'll sleep better at night. There are some who say the more sleep they get during the day, the less they will sleep at night, and then there are others who believe that the more you force them to stay awake, the more over-tired they will become and have an even harder time falling and staying asleep come bedtime.
And then there's the feeding opinions. Do you nurse your baby on demand or try and formulate a feeding schedule? Some say if you nurse at every whimper, you're teaching your baby to eat for comfort instead of when they're actually hungry, which creates poor eating habits for later in life. Where others say that the more you feed them during the day, the more satisfied they will be come night time and the better sleep they will have with little need to wake every hour or two to nurse.
Opinions, opinions, opinions...
Now one month in to being a mother of 2, I can say that I've tried the back and forth of each of these opinions, and all I can say is that I do what I need to in order to survive - yes, we're in survival mode over here. I try not to let Hannah nap more than 2 hours at a time during the day, which is something I picked up from her cues, since she likes to eat every 2 hours. I'll keep her awake as long as she'll tolerate it, but if she's tired, I don't force her to stay awake - especially if she's fussy. What am I, crazy? I'll take a napping, tired baby over a forced-awake-fussy one, thank you. I try to keep her to a nursing schedule during the day, but at night if she wants to eat every 10 minutes I'm all for it- whatever puts her back to sleep, I'm game.
I can't say that I don't appreciate a little "advice" or opinion-sharing here and there, though, because a lot of the things I've tried with my kids have come from other mothers. But if someone tells me I'm doing something wrong because it's not what worked for their child, then I'd rather go without the sharing. I've definitely been one to share my experiences in motherhood with other new or expecting moms, because when I was pregnant I talked to every mom I could find about their motherhood findings, but I try to do so in a "this worked for me, it may or may not work for you" way, verses "this is the only way to do it". I've found that a lot of mothers are strongly opinionated in that their way is the only, and right way, and I suppose if you've been successful in the feeding-sleeping-happybaby department then you have a right to feel that way, but they tend to forget that all babies are different. No matter how perfect you believe your parenting may be, it doesn't mean it will be for someone else. Share away, mommies, but respect other mothers' ways, too :)
I'm confident that as a mother, I am meeting my children's needs - needs that are different from anyone else's kids, and are met with different methods than other mothers may use. I am just lucky that I have 2 healthy, beautiful girls, and that I'm continuing to learn about each of them every day, and how to care for and love them more efficiently as I do. Motherhood is amazing, even with everyone thinking there's a better way to do things - I trust me :)
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