I'll admit it - Lyla's been really tough lately. I'm not sure if it's the reality of Hannah's permanency, or just another stage in toddlerhood, but it's been difficult. Very little can be done without a wild meltdown; even Eric was just saying how he hasn't even been able to play with her these past couple of weeks because if he does something silly to make her laugh, like wear her much-too-small-sunglasses, she goes into the "those are MINE and I want them" bossiness. There's no avoiding it, because at some point in the day, one thing or another doesn't go exactly her way, and she melts. "WELCOME TO '3'" everyone with kids tells me. It makes me sad it some strange way; both because I feel like I'm losing the giggly toddler I once had, and also because I know it's a part of her growing up. And naturally, because I'm lil' ol' sensitive me, I blame myself for her reactions. Maybe it's because Eric and I have grown less tolerant of her behavior lately? Maybe it really is because of Hannah? Maybe she's receiving much less attention than I realize? Whatever it is, I feel like I have tried everything from staying cool as a cucumber during the worst of temper tantrums, to raising my voice and having consequences for each "naughty" moment - like taking away a dessert or some TV time. In some way I almost feel like I am failing as a parent because she is so unbelievably sensitive and constantly getting so worked up and upset over things, and I feel so helpless when I can't prevent them or talk her down quickly. When she's happy she is the sweetest little girl, always thinking of others and talks in this teeny high pitched little voice that just makes me melt. So I feel truly sad that she's been so tough lately.
With that said, for her birthday she wanted to go on a vacation to Maine with my mom, and for months I put it off because I didn't want to be away from her. Aside from our honeymoon, I've never spent more than one night away from her. I especially didn't want her going before Hannah was born because I was determined to suck up as much one-on-one time as I could, knowing I'd never get that back. So I decided that after her birthday would be a good time to go; I would have spent the weekend celebrating and spending time with her, and then she could go have a few days away with Grammy before Eric, Hannah and I join her. And boy, the timing couldn't have been more perfect.
The weekend went really well; 2 birthday parties and a sleepover with my 3 nieces made for a hectic, but fun, couple of days. Lyla - between meltdowns - had a blast running around with friends and opening presents. But by the time it was all said and done, no nap and a sugar crash was the cause for one cranky birthday girl. My mother was contemplating leaving for Maine in the morning instead of last night, and I was pushing for the earlier leave. I was exhausted, and after a day of giving all my energy to her birthday festivities and calmly dealing with each small meltdown throughout the day, I was ready for my break. On top of feeling this way, of course, I felt guilty for feeling this way. Shouldn't a good mother always want to be with her child 100% of the time, good or bad? Am I the worst person ever for actually looking forward to the few days I'll have to myself (and Hannah and Eric, of course)? Will people think I'm horrible for even letting my 3 year old go on a 3 hour road trip to Maine without me for nearly a week? Packing her bag last night was definitely bittersweet.
I held her for the longest time before she left, gave her hundreds of kisses and talked about all the fun she'd have on the beach, collecting sea glass and shells. And of course, I cried when she left because even as difficult as she'd been, I missed her immediately. Hell, I miss her when she naps, so I must have known that as nice as the break will be, that it's going to be equally as tough. This morning was too weird. I got to go back to sleep at 6am when Hannah settled back down after a feeding, instead of the usual one-goes-down, one-gets-up. When I did wake up, it was to a coo-ing baby instead of "mommy I'm ready to come out!" over the monitor. It was strange to be making breakfast to the sounds of music instead of Mickey Mouse in the background. Without having to prepare and feed her breakfast and follow requests of "more this or that please" - I didn't know what to do with myself. I played with Hannah when she was awake as usual, but then when she went down for her first nap (a time usually spent doing a craft or reading books with Ly) I felt so bored! I folded the laundry, cleaned up a bit, and sat down to write this blog; probably the longest one I've written in a while since I wasn't squeezing it in during lunch or nap time. I realized all that I could do: I could finish the book I started 2 months ago, I could do a home-work out before my run later, I can finally work on Hannah's baby book...oh the possibilities.
I'm trying to let go of the guilt I have for allowing Lyla's little vacation, so that I can actually relax and enjoy mine. Hannah and Eric probably won't know what to do with all the extra attention I'll have to give this week. I think it will be good for Lyla to get away, too; she deserves some one-on-one time with her Grammy who is known for giving her even a little too much attention, which she could really use right now. But of course, I am counting down the days until we can pack up and join them, because I already cannot wait to kiss her squishy cheeks and hear that little voice. Hopefully I can recharge my mom-pateince battery and feel refreshed and ready to tackle the 3 year old tantrums with new energy come Friday.
<3
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