11 months old is how young tiny Lyla was when Eric came into our lives. We began dating with the understanding that motherhood came first, dates were spent at playgrounds, and that I was a package deal. I knew that no matter how well I was treated, the true test would be his time with my daughter. He accompanied us to parks, changed diapers, created laughter, and witnessed first steps. I'm not sure whose heart he won first, but in a short time, he had us both.
As waters remained rough with Lyla's biological father, I would often find myself wishing that there was a way for her to be Eric's instead. Fast forward 3 years, and it's coming true.
It's no secret that the relationship I had with bio-dad was solely because we created a child. After our split when Lyla was 10 months old, he saw her off and on for 8 months, and then stopped completely. These two and a half years have been filled with lots of back and forth on his part; wanting to sign her over then wanting full custody, paying child support then not paying, wishing to start over, and now, his final decision, surrendering his parental rights. It's something we've heard him say he would do before. Well, today, I got a call from my lawyer confirming that he has made this decision and that she had the signed document in hand.
This could not be happening at a better time in Lyla's life. She is aware and sensitive to the fact that her last name is different from the rest of her family's. She (amazingly) remembers visiting her bio-dad's, and will bring up questions about why he is not around. On her own, she has gradually made the transition from calling Eric by his name, to calling him "Daddy".
With her being so sensitive, I was careful with how I approached this subject with her. After reaching out to several "mommy-support-groups" as well as friends and family over the last few months while we waited for this process to become final, I came up with what I believe to be an age-appropriate explanation of what will be happening. This is how our conversation went:
"Some people aren't ready to be Mommies and Daddies, and [bio-dad] wasn't ready. But because he loves you so much, he wants you to have a Daddy who can see you and be with you everyday, which is why he wants Daddy to be your all-the-time Daddy. It's like you are the biggest, best present that [bio-dad] can give to Daddy - isn't that so nice of him?"
She loves the idea of being a "gift". She was even more excited when she found out that this meant her name could be changed to match Mommy, Daddy and Hannah. And, as much as a 4 year old can, she seemed understanding and accepting of the fact that after this happens, Eric will be her only dad.
I want her to be clued-in. I want her to be informed. I want to be as open and honest (as well as age-appropriate) as I can be with her, so that she does not have some earth shattering realization when she's a teenager that she is adopted and used to have another, different father. For the first time today, I started using the word "adoption". I told her that it means Daddy loves her so much that he wants to be her Daddy every single day forever and ever. The smile on her face when I explained this was priceless. I don't want to overuse the terminology to make her feel different, but I do want her to be aware of it, too.
When I received that phone call, I cannot put into words the relief it brought. No more anxiety over the "what if's", no more nonsense, but most of all: no more feeling bad. I have had moments where I just felt plain old sad; sad for Lyla that someone could just give her up like that. Sad for him, that he put excuses before a relationship with his child - but these feelings are long gone. Lyla was fortunate enough to have Eric as a constant in her life, and that his family was overwhelmingly accepting and loving. She will never feel neglect or a lapse with this change. As for him, well, I could not force a relationship between them, and will never again hold myself responsible for his decision.
Once again, I find myself repeating the ever so cliché expression: everything happens for a reason. 3 years ago I would watch Eric play so lovingly with my baby girl and ask him "why can't you be her dad?" - how lucky am I to be here, today, having just that come true. Some mothers didn't get to hand pick the father of their child at all, and most others didn't get to take theirs for a test drive. I had a very big advantage here, for which I am forever grateful.
Looking forward to the rest of our lives as one big happy Dorschied family :)
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