Letters to Lyla and Hannah

When Lyla was born, I started one of those "Baby's First Year" calendars for her, and I quite literally wrote down everything; from people who visited to each and every new food tasted. Her baby photo album was quickly turned into a scrap book when I decided to cut and paste cards people had given her and add them to the photos, instead of keeping them all in an old shoe box that would sit in a basement and looked at once in a blue moon. However, since she turned one, and the big 1st birthday photos were printed and photo-albumed, I've been slacking.

With all the photos I take and upload to our computer and Facebook albums, I keep thinking "they're there when I need them" ...and now 2 years have gone by without the print out of a single picture to add to her albums. It's even worse with Hannah. I started her baby book the same way I did Lyla's: pee stick (yes, I kept them), ultra sounds and growing belly pictures. However, no actual pictures of Hannah have been printed/added since her arrival! How terrible is that? I immediately upload them all to Facebook and email them to our digital frame, as well as friends and family members, but my laziness has taken over when it comes to taking to trip to the store with my sim card.

So I decided I'll do something new. Something that requires my efforts once a year, instead of every new milestone. (And I'm sure I'll eventually get to printing out the years worth of pictures I need...)

Every year I am going to write each of my girls a letter. A letter that will talk about who they are, favorite toys, acitivites & foods, who their friends are, what we spend our days doing, and even the struggles we may be having (ie. Lyla wanting to wear underwear through the night but unable to keep them dry). This way, each year they can see how they've grown, what new milestones they've reached, and always be able to look back on these younger years. I'd also like to include a photo from the time the letter is written, and maybe a picture they colored or additional photo of a favorite outfit or item. I think that as the years go by and these letters and photos add up, it will tell a cool-tale of my girls and how they've become the people they have. It will also be fun to check in with last years letter to see what new things they are able to do as "big girls" that they may have struggled with the year before.

My plan is to try and write them around the same time each year - whether that be near the holidays to talk about all the excitement and what they may be asking for, or closer to their birthdays to mark the new year. Either way I think the girls will enjoy having them, and I know I will love looking back and re-reading them. You never know the things you may forget! I want to remember every moment with these little girls of mine <3

Adorable, memorable moment

Yesterday, Lyla and I (along with Hannah and Petey in tow) went walking around the neighborhood collecting the freshly fallen leaves. As we strolled along, she looked up at me and said "Know what mom? I could call Eric 'daddy', because he is my daddy, but I'm going to keep calling him Eric because he's always been my Eric."

Gush.

I love the innocence of the 3 year old mind, and I love hearing her little views of the world. She's right, he has always been her Eric. Well, technically, first he was "Era" and then "Eca" - but I think it's funny how she recognizes him as her daddy, but feels an attachment to calling him Eric. Almost like it's a special thing between them, that only they share, because she finished this conversation by saying "Hannah can just call him daddy, but he's my Eric"

<3

Feeling Helpless

Lyla has given us a rough few days this week, and admittedly, I've felt a bit helpless. I'm not sure if it's the "normal" 3 year old behavior, her getting sick, or learning lovely new things from other kids at school - but it's been tough.

Yesterday was the worst.

Now, I can deal with the usual toddler-defiance-power struggle-game. But yesterday was different; talking back at every chance, demanding things "NOW", sheer panic when she didn't get her way, and ear curdling screams. And I exhausted every parenting tactic there is. I calmly talked. I gave chances. I gave warnings. I took away dessert. I raised my voice. I sat and rocked with her. I walked away. Nothing was helping, nothing was calming her down. As easy as it would have been to give in and give her dessert before dinner or let her watch more TV - what would that teach her? Nothing. I didn't want her to think that this behavior was okay or would get her what she wanted, and so, I let her scream. I let her be angry. I stuck to my word.

She eventually settled down, fell asleep, and woke up my loving, happy toddler again. But once dinner time approached and she asked about dessert, she was reminded that because of her previous behavior, she was not allowed a dessert. Now, being 3 is all about the power. She wants to be in control, and panics when she's not. So, in my best attempt to distract her, I kindly stated that she could not have dessert after dinner, but tomorrow would be a better day. "What do you think you'll have for dessert tomorrow, Ly?" I asked.

Cue round 2.

"NO! NOT tomorrow! I want dessert NOW! NOWWWWWW!" And there go my ear drums. Once again, I exhaust all methods - calmly explaining, attempting to distract, placing her in time out while she calms down....still nothing. She screamed so loud and so much that I was sure she would come out of it with no voice. I can't imagine what our neighbors were thinking. I felt completely and utterly helpless. I had to stick to my word and show Lyla that she was indeed not the boss, and that this was not okay behavior - but the feeling of not being able to calm my daughter down was the worst. I finally placed her in her room, shut the door, looked at Eric and put my hands up in defeat. For the first time in my journey of motherhood, I didn't know what to do.

I don't know what has changed. Normally, I can talk Lyla down from any tantrum. Even when reminding her of something less favorable, like getting dessert taken away, she usually (so adorably) responds with "I'll just have one tomorrow! Maybe some chocolate! Mmmm!" But this week, her responses are totally out of control, and I feel terrible that I can't help her feel better. She seems to be having a real hard time expressing herself and using her words when something isn't going the way she wants. Even the other day when she was being dropped off after a birthday party, Eric was putting her shoes on so she could walk into the house, and she didn't want them on. So, she started kicking him and melted into a giant puddle of tears and flailing extremities. Hello? Words? "I don't want my shoes on, Eric" would have sufficed - which she normally responds with! I have no idea why the sudden change, and even worse, no idea how to prevent or help it.

Throughout the day, I am constantly giving her positive reinforcement. Anytime she uses manners, says something politely, uses her words instead of actions, does something kind...I always am aware of it and sure to praise her for it. Especially lately, when I feel I'm doing more scolding than praising. Even when talking to Hannah, I usually "chat" about Lyla, saying things like "you have the BEST big sister who is doing a really good job eating her lunch!" Whatever Lyla is going through, I want her to know that Eric and I notice all the good, too.

But this new demanding, overly emotional, defiant Lyla is something we're struggling with. It reared it's ugly face again this morning when she woke up and wanted to watch TV; something we didn't have time to do because it was a school morning. I reminded her of this, and told her that we'd have plenty of time to watch a show later, and maybe even make a special snack to eat, too. But no. "NOW NOW NOW". Luckily, the waterworks managed to stay at bay, but I cringed a little inside at the site of my sweet girl acting, well, not so sweet.

Something's up. She's even been crying when I drop her off at school which she's never done. I made her teachers aware of her new behavior at home, in hopes that they may keep an extra eye on her at school to indicate whether or not something is going on there. Eric and I have talked about trying to give her even more attention at home, in hopes that this all may just be a cry for more.

But this sucks. And I feel helpless. And don't know what to do, for the first time in 3 years.

Mom Really Loses It

The other night, I did something that I hated, and that I rarely ever do; I yelled at Lyla. Sure, she was having her hundredth "3-year-old moment" of the day, and my patience was on E, but what I really hated was how out of control I felt, when normally I am much more capable of keeping my cool.

It was late, already after her bedtime. Eric and I just put Hannah down and were getting the materials together for a special night-time-craft to do with Lyla. It involved the insides of a glow stick, which can be toxic, and Lyla was frustrated that she could not participate in this part of the craft. And she melted, with ear curdling screams. After a particularly rough day with several of these "moments", I had had enough. I got face to face with my toddler, and told her to knock it off. Not only was she frustrated, but so was I, because all I wanted to do was something special with her after a long day. The fear on her face pierced my heart - she's not used to me raising my voice in such a harsh, firm way. More waterworks came from this.

It's not so much that I yelled - I know parents are allowed to be firm with their kids. It's the overwhelming feeling I had at how little patience I had for her behavior. KNOCK IT OFF; those 3 words, words I usually use on the dog, came bubbling up like a volcano ready to erupt. I felt like I had failed as a parent, because I couldn't control it. "Word vomit", as Mean Girls would have called it. If I felt this way, why didn't I just walk away? Go in the other room, take a few deep breaths; just remove myself from the overwhelming feeling I had? I was powerless to my exhaustion, frustration, and overwhelmingly low patience.

I am especially aware of this out of control feeling since I have been practicing more mindfulness and staying present. Those 3 harsh words made me feel like I took several steps backwards. No mama-zen in that moment, that's for sure. I felt like I had undone my entire day; my day of staying calm, my day of explaining Lyla's frustration to her, my day of hard work and patience - it was all gone in my harsh tone. knock it off. Now not only was I frustrated with Lyla, but I was upset with myself.

Eric thought this was actually a good moment - he says it showed that I was human. He said that with the abundance of patience I have, the frustration is bound to build up and come out eventually. True, I guess. And I also guess that I can't be the super-mom I wish to be 100% of the time. In the perfect world, every frustration that came from my toddler's defiance and temper tantrums could be cured through exercise, yoga, and breathing techniques (and maybe the occasional glass of wine) - but the world's not perfect and neither am I.

Needless to say, life went on. We both calmed down, kissed, and made up. We did our craft, and had fun dancing in the dark wrapped in left over glow sticks. I always say that every argument Eric and I get in, we come out stronger. Well, that sort of applies here, too; ever since my "word vomit" episode, I have made a more sincere effort to stay calm, and to take every terrible 3 year old moment for what it is - just that, a 3 year old moment.

Good Bye?

Since Ben began contacting us again a few weeks ago, we've been battling back and forth about the best way to go about our mess. The mess being that he hasn't seen Lyla in 18 months, me wanting full custody, and him lowering his child support. And what a mess it is.

Initially, he wanted to start seeing Lyla again - minimally. He had the idea to take her to dinner once a month in order to re-establish a relationship, and just have her aware of his existence, basically. But as usual, Ben changed his mind.

He was upset that I wanted full custody. I explained to him that it had nothing to do with me being a bitch, as he would put it, but that he knows nothing about Lyla. If he was ever contacted in a medical emergency, he would have no idea of her allergies, medications, even her height and weight. Shared custody means that both parents are involved in the child's life and able to make legal and medical decisions for her. This is not the case. I chose her doctor, her school, everything. When I asked Ben to tell me one thing about her, his response was "she's blond" ...good one.

From here, he insisted on giving up his rights to her. He said he'd rather have nothing to do with us than to not have any legal custody of her - even though it would not effect his visitation with her whatsoever (if he chose to see her again). He said he'd rather pay nothing (for child support), sign her over, and that she'd be fully mine.

How extreme. What kind of father would rather sign over the rights to his daughter and never see her again, instead of agreeing to giving her mother full custody but still have the ability to see her and be a part of her life?

He then went on to further "rationalize" his decision. He just started a new job and taking college classes. Both part time for now, but will be full time next year. He said he simply would not have the time or money to see her for the next few years, and said he'd rather sign her over than confuse her by starting over when he "had time" or by swinging in and out every few months.

The problem? Signing over a child is easier said than done. Even if both Ben and I agree to it, a judge has to approve the decision, which is a tough thing to get done. I would have to prove that I could fully support Lyla without the help of child support, and also prove a healthy, steady living environment for her. Both which we have, but not enough in a judge's eye. Ideally, when I am working, when Eric and I have been married for another year or two, and the longer Ben goes without seeing her - this is when a judge will be likely to allow Ben to surrender his rights.

So, for now, mainly to keep Ben at bay, we're planning to lower my child support to a more affordable rate for him, and ride out the next couple of years until we would be able to have Lyla to ourselves. What blows my mind is that this is more or less Ben's idea. Before this settlement was made, he had agreed to give me full custody if I lowered child support to practically pennies per week. And now, he'd rather lower it to what the state requires him to pay, just to ride it out and eventually give her up entirely, instead of continuing to pay and see her.

My mind goes in all different directions when it comes to how I feel about all this. On one hand, I am sad. I am sad for Lyla; I will have to one day explain how her father didn't have time to be in her life. I find it sad that a father can let anything come between him and a relationship with his child. But on the other hand, I am happy. I'm happy for our family - because that's just what we can be. We won't have to share Lyla on weekends, holidays or birthdays. She won't have to grow up with two daddy's. But I'm also scared. I'm scared of what she will think when she's older, about the questions she'll ask, and about how it will effect her in the end.

I'm also scared that after all the hoops we've jumped through these past 3 years with Ben, that he will change his mind yet again and keep us jumping. He's so impulsive and all over the place, you never know what his next move will be.

For now, all I can know is that I'm doing what's best for Lyla. Anyone who says they don't have time to share with my precious toddler doesn't deserve to be in her life anyway. Eric and I work hard everyday to give her the things she has: her health, her manners, her playtime, her growth. I can just hope that she grows up knowing that everything I do is for her, and that one day she will understand this whole mess and know she is better off without Ben and lucky to have Eric.

Only time will tell what will happen over the next few years. All I know is that I'm tired of all the back and forth, and if he's really willing to say good-bye for good, then so are we.

Domesticated

A few weeks ago, "cooking" meant putting something frozen in the microwave, and "baking" meant boxed mixes and pre-cut cookie dough. So, when Lyla started school and I found a few extra hours on my hands, I decided to travel down the path of real, cook-book-opening, from-scratch cooking and baking.

I started slow, literally, by cooking my first few meals in the crock pot. I've cooked several now, and somehow I always manage to misread something; adding things too soon or mixing things in the wrong order. Luckily, all of my trial-run-meals have been edible, and dare I say, good. But beyond breaking out of our same-old food rut, it gives me a sense of pride that I am actually preparing and cooking new meals for my little family. Even though I've been a mom for over 3 years and a wife for just over 1, somehow something as small as cooking makes me feel like these things for the first time all over again.

There's something about the accomplishment. I wake up, pack Lyla's lunch, send her off to school, come home, chop and prepare dinner's ingredients, and spend the rest of the morning playing with my baby girl while the sweet scent of dinner simmering fills the apartment. I love the fact that my husband arrives home from a long day at work with this smell in the air. I love serving him a dinner that I made. Even more, I love following it with a fresh baked dessert - also made by yours truly. Who knew this new domestication could make me feel so accomplished in my everyday life?

It really is the little things <3

Fall

I am so excited that fall is here. The cool, crisp air, apples ready for picking, but most important - the memories to be made with my kids.

When I became pregnant with Lyla, fall was the time of year I had envisioned; little knitted hats and sweaters, being pulled in a wooden wagon through the apple fields, and arriving home to have Mommy bake a homemade pie. Well, that wasn't exactly the way it went these past few years, but I think we're finally there. Maybe it's my happiness and the fact that I'm practicing staying present, maybe it's Lyla's age and watching her excitement each time she finds an apple in the tree like it's the first one she's seen, or maybe it's the fact that for the first time in my life I've actually opened a cook book and feel capable of baking. Whatever the reason, this year feels more special than those before.

I've embarked on my new cooking adventure with Lyla by my side. She's helped me prepare and cook each meal and dessert for the last week. When we arrived home from the Keith's Farm with our bag full of apples on Saturday, Lyla helped me wash and slice each one, and poured and mixed all of our ingredients together for our crisp. I remember doing things like this with my mother - the house smelling deliciously like fall desserts. Now it's my turn to pass on this tradition with my girls.

We spent yesterday making fall decorations of leaves, apples and pumpkins. I couldn't help but get excited for another trip to Keith's for a hayride to the pumpkin patch. I'm so looking forward to painting and carving them with my big girl :) Perhaps I'll even be brave enough to make my own pie with one :-X but in the meantime, the Pumpkin Pie Yankee Candle my fabulous mother in law gave me will have to.

I'm going to make this fall season last as long as possible, cherishing each crisp-sweater-wearing day, because before I know it, it will be I-can't-put-my-arms-down coat and snow season, where I will more than likely go stir crazy in this apartment. So I'll surely be making the most of everyday; jumping in leaf piles, baking up a storm, dressing my girls in to-die-for little outfits - all the things I envisioned nearly 4 years ago are coming true. No better feeling :)